How to lie to yourself about how many snacks you're on a day

27th July 2022

ARE you feeling the pressure of reducing your daily intake of snacks? Here are six great ways to camouflage the amount of junk you’re guzzling.

Don’t include partially consumed snacks

A few crisps left in the bag, half an inch of tepid Pot Noodle, a bit of cereal bar you got bored of while eating a pack of four – all of these invalidate the snack. Using this method you could actually have three times as many snacks a day without consuming a single extra calorie!

Count time periods not snacks

Allow times when you’re allowed to snack, such as 10am to 11.15am when a little dietary boost is needed. Or just make it 9:01am to 11:59am and 1:01pm to 5:59pm (for the day). Add to this pleasing delusion by only counting time periods (single figures) and not snack items eaten, eg. four donuts, two bags of crisps, three cokes, four chocolate bars and about 20 other things.

Anything with fruit in doesn’t count

You attempted a diet ages ago which said you could eat as much fruit as you liked. So if something contains fruit it cannot be an unhealthy snack, and that includes chocolate raisins, fig rolls, Jaffa Cakes and Bounty bars. Also, anything topped with a cherry, and everything containing jam. And takeaway duck with plum sauce at a stretch.

Forget communal snacking

Hardcore snacking is a solitary activity. So if a friend pops over for a coffee and a packet of chocolate Hobnobs disappears, that’s a ‘shared dining experience’ you had no control over. As is anyone bringing cakes into work and munching a Lion bar on the loo with someone in the next cubicle.

Pay attention to the packaging

If packaging omits the word ‘snack’ then it isn’t one. Dairylea Dunkers, Jammie Dodgers and similar are therefore not snacks. You’re not trying excuse unhealthy eating – Britain has strict rules concerning false advertising and you are merely observing the law like a responsible citizen.

Disguise your snack with bread

Put so-called ‘snacks’ between two slices of bread. They are then a sandwich, which counts as a meal. Bread and crisps are a classic sandwich combo. A Mars bar in bread is probably Scottish fusion food. M&Ms are a bit weird, but you could probably glue them in place with peanut butter. Due to them already being coated in breadcrumbs Scotch eggs are a meal by default, like fish fingers.

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Five ways to prove you're more sleep-deprived than your partner

27th July 2022

AFTER a few sleepless nights, there’s nothing more annoying than your partner thinking she’s more sleep-deprived than you. It’s not a competition, but here’s how to prove she’s definitely wrong and you’ve won.

Display a lack of concentration

Wander around forgetting to do things and pathetically asking your partner to repeat everything. Blame this annoying practice on lack of sleep. Your smartarse partner might reply that you must be sleep-deprived all the time then. Obviously you’d normally think of a brilliant comeback, but you’re too exhausted right now.

Recount night-time astronomical events

Ask your partner if she saw the meteor shower at 4am this morning. She’ll say no and you’ll have the upper hand. At least until she googles it, discovers there was no such shower, and realises you were sound asleep dreaming about Scarlett Johansson who strangely had webbed fingers and toes, which was hardly a deal-breaker.

Act erratically

Try acting highly erratically to prove your point – attempt to set off for work in pyjamas carrying the kids’ hamster. A bit over-the-top, and you don’t want the embarrassment of explaining you were just trying to outdo your wife to the local community mental health team. Better to try sleepwalking, but don’t just go to the fridge and make a Scooby-Doo sandwich at 3am. At least go into the garden and rub soil on your slippers.

Complain about nocturnal noises

Drone on about every nighttime noise you think you might have heard, like milk being delivered, cars speeding past, and that deafening police helicopter. This really shows you’ve been suffering, unless your partner says, ‘I’m surprised you could hear them over your own snoring.’

Overdo stimulants

Necking stimulants will be a powerful blow in the sleep-deprivation one-upmanship battle. Eat coffee with a spoon and gobble handfuls of Pro Plus. You won’t feel too clever when you’ve knackered your sleep patterns and are getting caffeine palpations, but you will win the sleep deprivation contest for many nights to come.

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