WORRIED about droughts sweeping the UK next? Cheer up – we just laughed off the punishing drought of 1976, says increasingly desperate climate change denier Roy Hobbs.
We just drank something else
What’s this obsession with water? In 76 we drank Vimto, Top Deck shandy, Tizer, Panda Pops and Watney’s Red Barrel. But then we weren’t woke transgender snowflakes who need their expensive sandstone-filtered organic spring water. God these people I’ve imagined make me sick!
People die all the time
Thousands died from the heat in 1976, but as a generation that grew up during the war films and Commando comics we weren’t so sentimental about death. People today need to man up and say: ‘Sorry you’re dead, mum and dad. But that’s life. You had a good innings, making it all the way to 55.’
I didn’t see any environmental damage, just swarms of happy ladybirds. Fires and drought killed loads of trees, but that’s good because environmentalists like them and I hate environmentalists. Sometimes I go out late at night and vandalise saplings. That’s one in the eye for the pot-smoking hippy car-haters!
The wonderful camaraderie
Back in 1976 people were laughing and joking as they queued for the standpipe. My wife says everyone was just hot and pissed off, but I distinctly remember us singing songs and keeping cool in the Underground. I might have confused it with a documentary about the Blitz when I had that dizzy spell due to the heat last week, but I doubt it.
Drought is a global warming lie
In 1976 all I saw was a bit of melted tarmac. This conclusively proves manmade global warming is bollocks. The scientists realise we’ve seen through that scam, so now they’re trying to scare us with ‘droughts’. They’re conditioning us to be brainwashed slaves by only using the garden hose sparingly.
Africa has droughts all the time
They’re always running out of water in Africa, and there are millions of Africans left. In fact it seems like half the buggers have moved here! That’s me through and through, I like to educate people about the environment, but using humour.