Brexit still not quite f**king done

THE prime minister is in Belfast this morning to work through a few minor finishing touches on the Brexit deal that was done and dusted in 2019.

Rishi Sunak inherited the pretty-much-finished Brexit deal from Boris Johnson, who nicked it off Theresa May, who had no idea how to do a Brexit deal and did a total bodge job nobody wanted.

Arriving in Belfast, Sunak said: “Just a few rough edges to smooth off and we’re all done. Shouldn’t take the whole morning.

“Ah, it seems the Northern Ireland Protocol is implacably opposed by unionists, but the Good Friday Agreement means there can be no physical border. Did we not sort that out when there was all the fuss about it in 2017? No?

“Right, so just need to reconcile those two irreconcilable viewpoints and Brexit will be done! Apart from minor stuff like replacing 3,800 EU laws with new ones, actually using our import controls, and dealing with our labour shortage.

“You know what? Maybe it’ll take longer than the morning. In fact maybe these are the same intractable problems we identified in 2016, left unfixed and dumped in my lap. F**k this.”

Sunak then unloaded six pallets of half-finished trade laws onto Stormont’s lawn and departed at high speed for Munich, leaving Brexit for some other prick to sort out.

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How they put a supermarket trolley back, and other subtle ways to tell if someone is a prick

DO they slot it neatly back in with the others or abandon it next to their car? Here’s how antisocial habits can be used to identify life’s pricks.

How they put a supermarket trolley back

There is only one correct way to put a trolley back, and that’s to slot it neatly back into a row of other ones the same size. If you see someone wang it recklessly into the shelter without looking where it ends up, jam it aggressively into one of a different size, or simply push it into the nearest bush, they will be a bellend in multiple other ways too.

If they park on the pavement

Unless it’s some sort of life-threatening emergency, there is no acceptable excuse for parking on the pavement. Do you think your 4×4 twat wagon is more important than people with pushchairs or prams being able to get to the shops safely? Obviously you do, which makes you a prick who deserves to have a massive penis keyed on your precious bonnet to identify you to others.

Whether they put the ‘Next customer please’ bar on the conveyor

It’s the work of a moment to place the divider on the conveyor belt when you’re at the till, and yet some thoughtless, lazy bastards can’t even be arsed to do this very small favour for you. And what’s worse, they’re the type of person who will have a shit fit if one of your carrots violates their box of fondant fancies by slightly touching it.

If they put lids back on things properly

People who can’t be bothered to screw the top back on a jar, meaning you fumble and drop it and get lemon curd and glass all over the kitchen floor, are self-centred, thoughtless pricks. And what’s worse is that you have to live with this one, potentially for the rest of your life. It should be grounds for instant divorce.

What they do with their dog’s crap

Weirdest is the person who carefully bags the poo then hangs it on a twig in the nearest bush. Especially if they do it repeatedly. Nobody wants to see a dog shit ‘Christmas tree’ with turds for baubles. It’s bad but probably not quite as bad as just leaving it, ideally slightly hidden in grass or on a path. Worst, in their own way, are people who leave dozens of turds to fester in their own back garden, ensuring their neighbours can get a good whiff 24/7, the pricks.