Bring back erotic thrillers to Channel 5, says Cameron

DAVID Cameron wants erotic thrillers back on Channel 5 to wean the nation off hardcore internet porn.

The prime minister said: “I always thought erotic thrillers like Night Eyes 2 with Shannon Tweed gave the right balance of titillation with gripping plotlines.

“No one needs to see full penetration when you’ve got high production values and a cool soft rock soundtrack.

“Also I liked how they were on Friday nights just after my wife’s bedtime.”

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Horses weird

HORSES are strange, it has been claimed.

They have long been considered noble, elegant beasts but experts have had another look and realised horses are like sea serpents propped up on broom handles.

Vet Tom Booker said: “They can run at the speed of a moped and have ridiculous muscle definition.

“Yet they are happy to let Irish midgets jump on their back so they can start knocking shite out of them with a little stick.

“Clearly horses are playing some kind of long game – but what is it?”

Brubaker highlighted other aspects of horse weirdness including how they have massive toenails instead of feet and can make ten-year-old girls obsessed with them just by eating sugar.

Channel 4 will now broadcast racing after the 9pm watershed and offer counselling to anybody distressed by the sight of a nightmare with a non-sequitur name hurtling over a hedge.