Check out my OnlyFans page. By Thérèse Coffey

NO longer a cabinet minister and with a majority of a mere 20,000, I have been forced to seek alternative sources of income. Pay me for these: 

Fitness training

Online fitness is usually yoga, weights and something called ‘running’ but I prefer exercises you can incorporate into daily life, such as cigar-clipping and burning calories chewing a 32oz steak. And the more rich food you eat, the more just visiting the toilet becomes a muscle-clenching vein-popping workout. Join me on Zoom.

XXX camgirl action

I’ve seen the stick insect models on OnlyFans, emaciated Holly Willoughby types with the physiques of prepubescent boys, and you couldn’t get a good f**k out of that. I know, I went to Catholic school. Red-blooded chaps should visit my page to watch me pleasuring myself while eating a triple-helping of sticky ribs. Be warned, it gets rather saucy.

No-nonsense advice

I don’t suffer fools gladly, and as a practising Papist I’ve got answers on everything from abortion – you shouldn’t have shagged him, now you’ve got to face the consequences – to contraception, see my answer to the abortion question. There’s no need to be confused about all this LGBTQ+ nonsense either. Call it what you like, you’re going to hell.

Budgeting tips

I’ve been criticised for saying that people struggling to buy food should ‘work some more hours’ or ‘get upskilled’, which is self-evidently sound advice. I’ve got more, like ‘set up your own law firm’, ‘produce a hit film or song’ and ‘win the lottery’. It’s sheer laziness when the poor refuse to invent cold fusion.

Thérèse’s lingerie hour

I sleep in an old Iron Maiden T-shirt and eminently sensible knickers. I’m not dressing up for anybody. If you want to see me swig brandy from the bottle in that, that’s your business.

My favourite recipes

Life’s too short to make your own dinner. I’m sorry, but if you can’t afford to eat out 14 times a week you’re a failure in life and probably take the bus. However I, like all Tories, am an expert on low-cost meals for the unemployed. Have you tried mashing up cardboard with warm water and a stock cube? It’s not like you’d appreciate grilled turbot.

A very special guest

Yes, my BFF Liz Truss. One of the things I love about Liz is that she’s unorthodox, by which I mean unhinged. I’m hoping to make a regular feature of it on OnlyFans, because I need a f**k of a lot of subscribers to make up my ministerial salary and I’ve got a feeling a lot of people would pay to see her snorting cayenne pepper and eating live frogs.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to survive your partner whinging about having a cold

YOUR partner has a minor illness and you’re suffering the ill-effects of having to look after the sneezy f**ker. This is how you’ll survive it: 

Minimise the illness

Show your red-eyed boyfriend your empathy for his suffering by adopting a positive mindset to the point of gaslighting. Phrases like ‘You seem fine to me,’ and ‘Yeah, you’ll be able to work no problem’ really highlight how little sympathy you have for his medical theatrics and encourage him to shut up about it.

Administer pharmaceuticals

When she wheezingly requests it – and she will, half the reason she’s faking illness is to get you running around after her – get paracetamol, cough sweets, cough syrup, dump them on the bed and confirm that as far as you’re concerned, you’ve cured it. Even a GP couldn’t do more. Take those, get better, done.

Provide a bespoke medical facility

Recognising that, as caregiver, it would cripple the household if you came down with your husband’s illness is a handy way of shuttling him off to the spare room. Turn it into a makeshift quarantine facility and provide the PPE basics of pills, porn and energy drinks. Then refuse to enter for his own good.

Share the burden

Having a snot-filled sausage of melancholy as a partner isn’t something to be endured alone. Invite friends and family round to absorb the radiant misery from the safe distance of downstairs, where your partner is strictly forbidden to go. Enjoy the drinks and fun that they’d surely want you to if they weren’t overflowing with phlegm.

Challenge preconceptions

Invite your girlfriend to look at her cold not as an excuse to do f**k all but as a challenge to overcome. Explain that she can sit and whinge or, like a Paralympian, refuse to be held back by a mere rhinovirus and become an inspiration to others. Suggest she start now by going doing the big shop while you watch telly.

Do one

If you’re at the end of your tether, take time for self-care. Whether this means going to the cinema, going to the pub or simply hooking up with a side-piece, you’re justified in putting yourself first as you’ve been smart enough not to get a cold. Text regularly asking ‘u well yet?’ and you can’t be accused of being uncaring.