Confused Neanderthals gather around monolith

A GROUP of Neanderthal men milled uneasily around a mysterious monolith that appeared overnight in Parliament Square on Saturday. 

The men stared up in anger and terror at the featureless grey cuboid which they had been attracted to by primitive instinct while uttering gutteral grunts and howls of pain and fear.

Anger about the monolith and terror of an unknown future occasionally caused them to erupt into violence directed at themselves and others, or quasi-religious chanting.

Wayne Hayes of Mansfield said: “Big grey slab. Not there before. Make afraid. Make angry!

“Want freedom! No surrender IRA! Traitors! Won war! Do arm up in air like men won war against. Confused. Blame monolith. Make think funny.

“Make me want pick up tool. Pick up tool and smash! Run riot through city, burn everything, beat enemies!”

“Scuse me. Need piss. Had 11 Stella.”

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Bastard free trial renews because you forgot

THAT f**king free trial you did last month has renewed for a sum of money you did not want to pay because you forget to cancel. 

The service, which could be streaming, a food box, an online exercise thing, Amazon Prime or some app where you send photos as postcards, has taken the money already so it is too late now.

Joanna Kramer said: “‘Thank you for taking a 12-month licence for Kapersky Internet Security. £34.99 has been debited from your account.’

“The f**kers. They might as well have just said ‘Haha, you thought you wouldn’t forget but you did and now we’ve taken your money for a whole year, dickhead.’

“I should put the renewal date in my diary for 2021 right now, but I already know I won’t because of the modicum of effort involved. They’ll taunt me with marketing emails and I won’t do a thing to stop them.

“When laptops no longer exist and AI robots have taken over the world, I’ll still be paying this piece of shit anti-virus subscription.”

A Disney+ spokesman said: “Our business model is ‘you’re a lazy twat.’ We can’t lose.”