Five ways to look less like a twat on your e-scooter

MANY people are turning to e-scooters as an alternative mode of transport. Here are five ways to look less idiotic on your overpriced adult toy-mobile.

Start an e-scooter gang

Try to normalise your e-scooter purchase by finding a group of like-minded individuals who will make you feel less weird about having shelled out an extravagant amount of money for an item more suited to a 10-year-old. You’ll still look like a twat, but you’ll have the company of other twats for comfort.

Pretend it’s a present for a child

No self-respecting adult would spend £500 on an e-scooter, so simply explain to your negative neighbours that it is a gift for a newly-discovered love child with an old flame. When you are still riding it after six months, mournfully inform them that DNA tests proved the child was not yours and you are scooting to Pret A Manger every day to try to heal.

Avoid busy roads

If a man rides an e-scooter and no one is there, does he still look like a twat? Yes, but he won’t get abuse shouted at him. You should also avoid steep inclines: gravity can be a cruel mistress when you’re a 15-stone bloke relying on a tiny electric motor.

Virtue signal about ‘the environment’

Shut down all chortles of derision by telling people you’re just doing your bit for the environment. This insinuates that, if you weren’t such a good human being, you’d be riding a big, masculine Harley-Davidson instead. No one will believe you, but at least you tried.

Buy a bicycle

Like a normal person.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to have a doomed summer romance during lockdown

LOCKDOWN restrictions needn’t be the death knell for your misguided romantic endeavours. Enjoy some summer lovin’ that will leave you emotionally scarred with these tips.

Join a dating app

It’s unlikely you’re going to meet anyone while standing in the socially distant queue outside Morrisons. Instead you’ll need to join terrifying dating apps where your carefully crafted profile is immediately dismissed because you’re a shade under six foot or have slightly wonky teeth.

Choose looks over personality

Summer flings are usually a great chance to shack up with a boring hottie safe in the knowledge that you can chuck them when autumn rolls around. But thanks to the sex ban you’ll have to face their dull personality head-on via Zoom without being able to get your hands on their disgustingly attractive body.

Arrange to meet up

This is when you realise there’s f**k all to do or you have little in common. They want to go to the beach but you don’t want to get infected, meanwhile you want to go on a protest but they work for the police. Call it a day and stick on some porn until a vaccine is found.

Go skinny dipping

On paper going for a naked swim sounds like the perfect way for lovers to while away these socially distanced long summer evenings. In reality your unhealthy lockdown body will go into cardiac arrest the second you enter the water or you’ll get Weil’s disease.

Resort to booty calling your ex

Once you’ve inevitably scared away other people, why not see if your ex is up for some no-strings-attached fun? They might not be because they dumped you six years ago and are married with kids now. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?