Current Suella Braverman attacks Suella Braverman of Sept 2022-Nov 2023

THE Suella Braverman of Sept 2022-Nov 2023 was ‘a slap in the face’ for voters, Suella Braverman has insisted.

The former home secretary has attacked the policies of the home secretary who allowed 745,000 migrants into the country as ‘negligent’ and ‘a crazed ideological vandal’.

Braverman, 2023 Q4 edition, said: “What was that idiot thinking?

“This isn’t the small boats, which she was obsessed with but did nothing to stop. This is legal migration under her control. She could have ceased issuing visas any time she liked.

“But instead she wasted all our time with a pointless, failed Rwanda plan which was clearly illegal. Though the attorney general between September 2021 and 2022, one Suella Braverman, shoulders the bulk of the blame for not pointing that out.

“But claiming to be anti-immigration while letting huge numbers in? What, was she so stupid she thought nobody would notice? That she’d get away with saying it was all the fault of ‘the Blob’?”

The Suella Braverman of Sept 2022-Nov 2023 retorted: “You’re forgetting I was fired on October 19th, 2022 and not reappointed until six days later. All those people got in then.”

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Man has no passwords left to give

A MAN has admitted he has no passwords left in him after years of using the internet.

32-year-old Ryan Whittaker has finally run out of passwords and his brain is now simply incapable of creating new ones. 

Whittaker said: “I’m at my f**king limit. I’ve done it all – pet names, favourite bands and colours, ex-girlfriends. Even celebrities I wank over. ‘Riley21!’ lets me into at least 30 websites.

“I follow a simple formula – the name of something, the final two digits of the year I made the password, and a special character. And the only special character I can think of is an exclamation mark. None of the others feel right.

“My passwords have become a time capsule of the man I once was. I was obsessed with Succession for a while, which led to ‘Waystar22!’. I’ve still got one named after my long-dead family dog and a woman I used to fancy, ‘RufusEmily19!’. I’m glad she doesn’t know about that.

“I’ve tried swapping letters for numbers and making crazy incomprehensible combinations, but if they’re too complex I’ve got no chance of remembering them. I have to write them down in my Notes app and that’s too much of a pain in the arse.

“My solution is to have three passwords I use for everything. And then pray to f**king God I don’t get hacked.”