subscribe
/ Sign Out

Cutting from Magic Money Tree gifted to Rwanda

A SLENDER branch from the Magic Money Tree has been gifted to Rwanda for taking away asylum seekers, it has emerged.

The tree, which can be found in the Downing Street garden and gives off a shimmering, affluent glow, could easily afford to spare a tiny offshoot worth a mere £100 million.

Magic Money Tree cultivator Rishi Sunak said: “Despite claims that there is no Magic Money Tree, including by me, it does frequently pop into existence. It’s mysterious.

“So now there are suddenly ample funds and it would be stupid not to splash some of the excess cash on this universally-adored policy.

“I simply popped into the garden, reached for a small twiglet, and snapped it off with my bare hands. In the grand scheme of things you wouldn’t even notice it was missing.

“Of course Labour must never be allowed anywhere near the Magic Money Tree. They’d hack it down to the root then it’ll be gone forever. I’m taking much better care of it, so Suella Braverman and my backbenchers can back the f**k off.”

A spokesperson for the Rwandan government said: “Good to know it’s no biggie. We’ll need a few extra million in a couple of months.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

The Welsh town where every man, woman and child is on Viagra

DEEP in the Welsh valleys, far beyond civilisation’s call, is an unusual town. A town where the erections never droop. For here every man, woman and child is on Viagra.

Devastated by closed coalmines, Croesyceiliog, the subject of a BBC documentary tonight, agreed to take part in a trial to discover what would happen if an entire community was permanently sexually engorged. An experiment still going on today.

Norman Steele, aged 75, said: “I get up, I knock back a blue diamond with a cup of tea and then I set off and go about my priapic day.

“Of course I’m nursing a throbbing erection as I pop into the library to read the papers, but who isn’t? We all are. Sometimes, on the way to the bookies, I’ll stop and howl and toss myself off in the middle of the street. But in this town everyone’s been there.”

Postmistress Susan Traherne agreed: “When a customer asks for a book of second-class stamps and if he can just quickly mount me, it’s hardly unusual. And what with the bloodflow to my parts I’m as up for it as they are.

“The kiddies, bless them, don’t suffer those effects. All they do is smash their Lego up a lot. But the rest of us, well, it’s stonk-ons and casual sex dawn until dusk.”

Mayor Bill McKay said: “They wanted to end the trial in 2009, but we were up in arms about it. It’s given us a real community spirit. There’s not an adult here I’ve not gone off up at one time or another.

“It may seem unusual to outsiders, but to us here in Croesy having a cock that could break china is normal. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go and f**k a knothole in a tree.”

Next story ›