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National Trust revamps historic dogging site

THE UK’s oldest dogging site has been re-opened by the National Trust after a £2 million refurbishment. 

Barrow Wake near Stroud in Gloucestershire became a site for outdoor copulation during the Bronze Age, when travellers would attach maroon-coloured rags to their carts to indicate they were looking for a casual hump.

It reached its peak in the 19th century in Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park, when Fanny Price explains her muddy knees are the result of ‘a jaunty bout of Frenchman’s intercourse upon the Barrow Wake with the magistrate Mr Deakins’.

But over the years its popularity waned due to underinvestment and television, until by the 1990s it was reduced to nothing more than a beautiful spot for a picnic or Sunday afternoon hand job.

A National Trust spokesman said: “Furtive sex with strangers is an important part of England’s cultural heritage and responsible for at least two of our kings.

“We’ve relaunched Barrow Wake as an interactive f**k-park, with a Seven Ages of Dogging display which has a stunning waxwork diorama of someone getting a reverse Dutch steamboat in a Mazda MX-5.

“Hidden speakers mean you are never more than two yards away from the sound of someone ejaculating, and the cafe sells locally-made chocolate fancies that look just like a man’s penis.”

He added: “Visitors don’t have to engage in sex with strangers but if they do feel the urge to be taken roughly up the dirtbox they will have an excellent view of the Malverns.”

Grade-four dogger, Martin Bishop, said: “It’s great to learn about history while getting noshed off by a sad-eyed Gloucester housewife with split ends.”