Five great ways to make the Tories pay back the £18 billion

THE government has dished out £18 billion in PPE contracts, many to useless suppliers and Tory party chums. Here are some interesting ways to make them pay the money back.

Debtors’ prison

Popular in Victorian times. You stayed until you settled your debt or worked it off, so with the vast sums currently involved that would be ideal for keeping incompetent twats like Matt Hancock out of public life permanently. 

Send the debt collectors round

Not the weedy, legit bailiffs on Channel 5’s Can’t Pay? We’ll Take it Away! Instead the steroid-crazed, bodybuilding gangster type who also work as doormen and professional limb-breakers. Michael Gove would undoubtedly spout legal bollocks at them and be dragged away to a warehouse in Essex for a ‘chat’. Which would be terrible.

Make them do fundraising activities

What could be more appropriate than a lazy arse like Boris Johnson having a punishing schedule of 20 tennis matches a day with Russian oligarchs? Cheaper options would be available, eg. £1.50 for a game of Scrabble with Liz Truss.

Subject them to benefit fraud rules

You’re often given the chance to pay back overclaimed benefits before the law gets involved. However even the substantial wealth of the Tory front bench wouldn’t cover the hundreds of millions wasted, so Rishi Sunak could be looking at an awkward 18 months in HMP Wakefield smoking spice in a tracksuit. 

Make them do three badly paid jobs each

This wouldn’t raise much cash, but it would be educational. And frankly hilarious to see Dominic Raab pedalling away frantically with a box of pizzas on his back, or Priti Patel getting bollocked at Chicken Cottage for forgetting to put more chips in the fryer.

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What to say you're thinking when your partner asks 'What are you thinking?'

BEEN asked the most loaded question of any relationship? These responses will stop your significant other ever inquiring about your feelings again: 

‘Sicut et ego non sum cornu magnum mendacium’

This Latin translation of ‘I like big butts and I cannot lie’ is highly effective. Recite the words while gazing up at the sky and unless your partner is from classical Rome or reads words on the sides of museums and that, they’ll back all the way off.

‘This whole thing in the news with the government’

Nobody wants to talk about what’s going on politically right now, because it means staring into an endless abyss of depair. Pulling this card means an immediate subject change to silence, then refocusing on whatever’s on the telly.

‘If Notts County are the oldest football league club in the world, who did they play against?’

You’re going to need a lawn. Lay down with your cheek against the ground. Stroking the grass with one hand, whisper the above question directly into the earth. Watch all hope fade from your lover’s face.

‘γ = (1 − v2/c2)−1/2’

Go to the kitchen sink. Swirl water and soap into a circle, then whisper the algebraic expression of the Lorentz factor. No normal human mind understands that shit. You won’t be bothered again.

‘We should get a joint account across all our online activity’

The nuclear option. Enthusiastically speak to the benefits of combining login details for everything from email to Facebook to Instagram to Twitter to Netflix, PornHub and Amazon Prime.

‘Piers Morgan’

Go to a mirror. Stare into the mirror. Place one finger onto your reflected face and speak his name three times.