Five reasons why Brexit chaos will be your fault, Brexiters

WITH Brexit likely to bring hardship and disruption, the obvious people to blame are the EU and Remoaners. But could it actually be the fault of Leave voters? Here’s why.

You didn’t like the idea of Belgian bureaucrats fiddling with our bananas

Which was actually dull legislation for food retailers similar to that which makes the vegetables in Asda look appealing and not like little gnarled goblins. Bananas of any shape will now be available, but don’t plan on buying any because they’ll have rotted in a lorry.

You thought the EU was holding back British spunk and enterprise

It’s interesting that typical Brexiters show zero enterprise, but then if you can’t even explain what you DID vote for, your chances of being the next Steve Jobs are small. Oh well, your kids will enjoy the exciting career choices of fruit-picking or remote-working from a call centre in Delhi.

Your brains literally shrank from reading The Daily Mail

This has not been 100 per cent scientifically proven, but it seems likely that too much Mail/Express/Telegraph nonsense causes your brain to atrophy to the size and density of an ossified walnut. 

You thought leaving the EU meant we could immediately deport all of ‘them’

We all know what ‘Taking back control’ means really, don’t we? Droning on about ‘sovereignty’ must be the most complicated way of saying ‘There’s too many foreigns’ in human history.

You looked at Nigel Farage and Mark Francois and alarm bells were not immediately ringing

The likes of Farage, Arron Banks, Francois, Alexander Johnson et al immediately scream ‘dodgy grifters’ to anyone with an IQ above 80. How do you manage to clamber in and out of your trousers and dresses every day?

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How to pad out a bullshit work email

DO you find a lot of your emails could be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’, but worry it will look like you’re not earning your salary? Here are some great phrases that add absolutely nothing.

‘Thanks very much for bringing this to my attention’ 

An excellent way to start an email, by complimenting the person that sent it and taking up the best part of a line. So much longer and more professional in tone than ‘thanks’ or ‘good point’, which effectively mean the same thing. 

‘I really do see where you’re coming from on this one’ 

Why write a succinct ‘Yes’ or ‘I see what you mean’ when you can do so in a much more sincere, long-winded fashion that implies that you’ve painstakingly considered all of the issues at stake? Add in a ‘really’ for that extra bit of length. 

‘It would be greatly appreciated if you were able to…’

Or any overly polite phrasing that takes up more space than ‘Could you…’, which isn’t particularly rude or abrupt anyway so this is just waffle. Wonderful, wonderful waffle.

‘There is definitely an awful lot for us to think about here’ 

Shows that you understand the issue is complex, without bothering to offer any meaningful answers to the points raised. Conveys an image of professionalism and teamwork, but more importantly it takes up nearly a line. 

‘Having said that, on careful reflection, we’re probably still minded to…’ 

This phrase tells the recipient that you are going along with your original decision, making your email discussion superfluous. However ‘minded’ has a nice olde worlde Victorian feel and it’s a whole 11 unnecessary words. You can probably get away with pressing send now.