Five silly, piffling, minor trifles with Boris Johnson's Brexit plan

BORIS Johnson’s new Brexit plan must be brilliant because the DUP like it, but some critics are raising pootling, dunderheaded objections to it. For the sake of politeness, they are: 

It violates the Good Friday agreement

Is the Good Friday thing really that important? Has a nation voted for it in a referendum? Oh, apparently Ireland did, overwhelmingly, in 1998. Still that was decades ago. Do they really feel the same way about the English forcing conditions of war upon them for no good reason as they did then? Probably not.

It opens a smuggling route into the EU

What, is the EU afraid of a little danger? A little competition? A 310-mile long unpoliced border through which any illegal goods, people or military-grade weapons can enter their precious single market? They need to grow up.

It stands counter to the EU’s founding principles

We’ve all had principles. Time was the Conservative party would have frowned on a renowned adulterer leaving his wife and children to move his girlfriend into Downing Street. But times change, and the EU needs to recognise that looking after their own and preventing armed conflict aren’t the big deals they used to be.

It doesn’t work and relies on technology that hasn’t been invented

Did the technology exist to go to the moon when Kennedy announced it? No. But seven years later his words became reality. Admittedly he ploughed millions into the project while the UK is just blithely hoping, but the principle is the same.

It won’t get through Parliament

Just because the UK’s sovereign parliament won’t back a plan doesn’t mean it can’t be passed by some other method that hasn’t been discovered yet. Perhaps via royal decree or military coup, or less likely by the Conservatives winning an election in a landslide. So no problem.

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Irish making offensive jokes about the thick-as-pigshit English

IRISH people are increasingly joking about how unbelievably stupid the English are, they have confessed. 

The new wave of English jokes began midway through 2016 and have only intensified over the last three years, with many of the particularly cruel ones beginning ‘Did you hear about the Englishman with a plan to solve the backstop?’

Tom Logan of Dublin said: “Aah, they’re not racist. They’re just a bit of fun.

“They’re just things like ‘A notice went up saying ‘Tree fellers wanted’ and three Englishmen turned up, but a Pole had already done it so they voted to punch themselves in the face until they were unconscious instead.’

“A lot of the best revolve around this comical halfwit called Mark Francois. But he’s such an exaggeration of the xenophobic numbskull, nobody could take them seriously.”

Norman Steele of Dorking said: “Yes, it’s tempting to laugh but such laughs demean the English and perpetuate the idea that we’re an island race of self-important simpletons.

“We don’t want the rest of Europe viewing us as a nation of gammon-faced, finger-jabbing, Daily Mail-swallowing, fact-averse morons.

“Fair enough, half of us are. But the rest of us see ourselves, on our day, as just as good as the Irish, Welsh and Scots.”