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'F**k it, the old bastards all vote Reform anyway'

THE prime minister has decided to put the boot in to pensioners on the grounds they all vote far-right anyway so what the f**k. 

Burnham carefully considered the costs of social care, the importance of the triple-lock, and the number of 82-year-olds who spend all day complaining to their budgies about ‘them Asians down the chemist’ before deciding he had little to lose.

He explained: “These policies aren’t for the elderly. It’s for the generation below eyeing up their four-bedroom house in Poynton.

“We’ve had 16 years of pandering to old people who don’t like that it isn’t 1958 anymore, and do they appreciate it? Do they f**k. They gave us the Tories, they gave us Brexit and now they’re bloody furious about the consequences of the Tories and Brexit.

“I could have doubled their pensions and they’d still vote for Nigel because he ‘seems such a lovely man’ and ‘is so smart he could be a presenter on Bargain Hunt’. Going forward, we’ll be pursuing policies on the sole basis that they’ll piss the old off.

“We’ll be producing a new pound coin so fiddly they can’t find it, putting them in segregated queues at Post Offices and introducing a new tax on condensed milk. And if that pushes them all the way to Restore, so much the better.”

Margaret Gerving, aged 82, said: “He is scruffy isn’t he, that new one. And I think the young ones would like fascism if only they gave it a try.”

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How to get your working class origins into every conversation

MEETING someone new and middle-class? They may assume, seeing you in your Reiss suit, that you’re just like them when actually you’re better. Drop in these class markers: 

Mention your dad was a roofer

It doesn’t matter what you’re discussing: Brexit, sushi, penguins or the novels of Elizabeth Strout, it’s relevant. It’s even better if you say ‘is’, suggesting he cannot afford to give up work even into his 60s. They don’t know he’s got his own firm and sits on his arse all day.

Explain your mum doesn’t get what you do

Unlikely, considering your job isn’t that hard to comprehend. It’s more a reflection of the fact she can’t understand why they pay you for that when you’re always pissing about at home. But it hints at the drama caused by your rise from a terraced house to the heights of digital services advisor.

Call school ‘the comprehensive’

Force it in even if it wasn’t in the school’s name. Act as though your perfectly pleasant state school was rife with guns, gangs and knife attacks. To be fair there was once a fight in the playground. Wait, no, a dog. There was a dog in the playground.

Emphasise your lack of learning

You wish you could understand the world like the well-educated – things like quinoa, financial instruments, the plays of Sarah Kane – but you can’t, because of your schooling. Admittedly that was because you skipped lessons to smoke, but surely that’s society’s fault? To this day, it’s hurtful how little you know about Molière’s comedies.

Exaggerate your accent

Even if your area doesn’t have a particularly charming rural accent, you can put on a general Cockney lilt, like a child in a 1950s film. Your attempt to deploy it at the garage for a lower rate on a new exhaust is unsuccessful. He must have gone to public school.

Punch them hard in the face

None of it working? Resort to violence, then explain that was how people communicated in the harsh cobbled streets where you grew up. A clip round the ear was affection, a punch was an expression of camaraderie and being knocked to the floor and stamped on was a warm embrace from a beloved grandparent. That should get it through to them.

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