Fuel crisis normal now

THE government has announced that fuel queues and shortages are now so normal they are no longer worth mentioning.

Driving around six petrol stations in order to fill up enough for four days commuting is now as much a part of British life as bacon sandwiches, drizzle in June and The One Show.

A government spokesman said: “Why are we still talking about something that’s been accepted by ordinary, decent people as an unremarkable part of their lives?

“Of course you’re queueing for 90 minutes to get a capped £30 of diesel. Of course you’re cancelling trips to see family because it won’t leave you with enough for the school run. This is Britain. This is how it’s always been, since last week.

“Likewise the empty shelves in supermarkets, the impossibility of getting a builder, and waiting two hours for your meal in a pub. All part of life on this sceptred isle and entirely unremarkable.

“Apart from the hysterical liberal elites shrieking like spoiled children, everyone’s perfectly content. In fact they’re happier. So we’ll hear no more about it on the news, yes?”

He added: “You know what else is normal? Three-day working weeks and winter power cuts. As normal as a steak-and-kidney pie while watching Coronation Street. So shut up in advance.”

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Are you confident or did you go to private school?

SELF-WORTH can be developed over time or by having parents who can afford pricey tuition fees. Find out where your confidence comes from with our quiz.

People notice when you walk into a room because…

A) I radiate a serene but powerful sense of self belief and carry out my duties without displaying any fear.

B) I whip off my Barbour jacket and leave it on the floor for someone else to pick up while letting out a loud, braying laugh.

You cope in times of crisis by…

A) Remembering my past achievements and calmly using them to reassure myself of my capabilities.

B) Singing the Eton Boating Song and remembering that I’ll never, ever be poor.

Your voice is…

A) Loud and clear. It’s a good reflection of how I hold myself in high regard.

B) Loud, clear, and condescending. It developed a patronising edge during my school years as I bellowed at my tutor for getting my homework wrong.

You started to have belief in yourself when…

A) I got external validation from my colleagues and peers that matched the way I felt about myself inside.

B) Daddy’s Land Rover broke down outside the local compo and I witnessed first-hand the riff-raff that I am innately better than.

You tend to succeed because…

A) I conduct myself with professionalism and grace at all times. It comes across as boring but it’s a small price to pay.

B) I can speak Latin.


Mostly As: You’re are supremely confident because you have worked hard to become so. Most people probably hate you a bit, but you’ll go far in life.

Mostly Bs: Your privileged education has instilled you with a sense of misplaced superiority that you mistake for confidence. Luckily for you the end result is pretty much the same.