Company 'away day' sounding suspiciously like workday

A COMPANY’S itinerary for their team-building day away from the office has all the components of a normal, tedious working day.

Harwood Marketing promised their staff a day out of the office full of ‘fun activities’, but suspicions were raised after they received an invitation with a worryingly strict schedule on it.

Sales assistant Emma Bradford said: “If I have to be forced into participating in this shit I expect team games or raft building. Stuff that I hate and will moan about but is a different kind of misery from being in the office.

“But this itinerary including activities like ‘mind mapping’ and ‘workshopping’ which is the kind of nonsense I spend my usual working day trying to avoid by smoking by the bins.

“I was planning on using the day to gossip about whether Jemma the secretary is shagging Chris in IT and overloading on free refreshments and now I have to mind map. I mean, what do they think they pay me for?”

Company director Denys Finch Hatton, said: “We’ve spent a lot of money on hiring the Holiday Inn down the road so it would be a huge shame if any of them actually enjoyed themselves.”

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Morning 'quiet time', and four other ways of telling if your teacher was hungover

THERE were times in primary school when your teacher was clearly suffering the after-effects of a rough night – you were just too young to notice these tell-tale tricks.

Television

There was no bigger giveaway that your teacher had spent a night on the piss than if they stumbled into class pushing the school’s giant box television on a trolley. You could focus on classic episodes of Rosie & Jim instead of learning how to spell, while they focused on not being sick in their lap.

Morning ‘quiet time’

Being hungover is agony. Being hungover while 30 small children scream at you is enough to make you want to walk into the sea. Your teacher may have dressed this up by calling it ‘meditation’ or something similar, but really it was just to get you to sit quietly while they desperately necked paracetamol and Lucozade.

Colouring-in

After some dogshit results in your times-tables test, your teacher promised that – the very next morning – they would spend several hours going over multiplication. Instead they come in smelling like a bin, looking like they’ve slept in a hedge, and tell you to do some ‘colouring in’ instead. Thank God for their troubled home life.

Homework

You would count your lucky stars when, having not done a nonsense book report or whatever and gone into school expecting a bollocking, your teacher slumps into their desk and mumbles that everyone can ‘do homework’. Though you didn’t know it then, you owed a lot to your local pub’s Thursday 2-for-1 happy hour.

Impromptu playtime

If your teacher immediately ushered you all outside to the field to ‘play’ in the morning, they’d spent a night on the sauce. This would be some of the least supervised play-time of your lives, as you ran riot, climbing trees unsupervised, while your teacher vomited behind a skip.

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