Get your Suella Braverman White Person Guilt Exemption card here

SUELLA Braverman, by the powers granted her as a non-white Conservative, has granted you as a white person exemption from guilt. Collect your card here. 

Please provide proof of citizenship, proof of whiteness, and proof that your ancestors, an area you live or a business you worked for profited from the slave trade. This can be provided by the Guardian.

Present yourself at your local town hall. Suella herself cannot be on hand to bless you but municipal staff are empowered to exempt you from guilt for slavery, and their skin colour is irrelevant to you.

Avow that it was a long time ago, that you do not care if people are pink with yellow dots, and that you personally enoy the works of Bob Marley/Lee Scratch Perry/Sean Paul (by preference).

You will be photographed looking like you have nothing to apologise for and given your White Person Guilt Exemption card. This lasts for 20 years or until the end of your natural life, which will come first.

This card may now be presented at any occasion where you may be expected to feel white guilt, including plays at the Barbican, the British Museum and prominent city centre memorials to slave-traders.

It also confers on the bearer full and final proof that their political views are not racist. Go, and enjoy your guilt-free world.

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It’s Always Pissing Down in Cumbria: the tourism slogans of 21 English counties

AS a summer of supporting our glorious Brexit by holidaying domestically looms, choose your destination by its honesty: 

Cornwall: It’s a Right F**k-on to Get Here, But Worth It

Devon: Not as Much of a F**k-on to Get to as Cornwall

Dorset: Not as Much of a F**k-on To Get To as Either Devon or Cornwall

Essex: 187 Love Island Contestants and Counting

East Sussex: We’re Like West Sussex, but With Fewer Arseholes

Norfolk: We Have Internet Now

North Yorkshire: God’s Own Country and By Christ We’ll Tell You Every Ten Minutes

Lancashire: North a Bit, North a Bit More, West A Bit: Here We Are

Durham: Posher Than the Rest of the North But That’s Not Saying Much

Northumberland: Come Drive Our Eight Miles of Dual Carriageway

It’s Always Pissing Down in Cumbria, and That’s Guaranteed

Cheshire: Where The Footballers Live

Rutland: Visit Rutland, if You Can Find Us on a Map

Worcestershire: Home of Britain’s Least Popular Sauce by Some Distance

Shropshire: Technically, Not Wales

Warwickshire: We’ve Got Shakespeare and He’s Better Than Anyone You’ve Got

Surrey: Don’t Come Here, We Don’t Want Visitors Thank You Very Much

Hertfordshire: So You Can’t Afford London

West Sussex: Visit West Sussex, We’re Like East Sussex but With Fewer Chavs

Isle of Wight: All the Fun of a Ferry Trip to France But Without the French at the End

Lincolnshire: You’ve Never Known Despair Like It