Heartbreaking: these Tory policies will never happen now, and nothing could be sadder

THE surprise election has doomed scores of Conservative bills that the public was really looking forward to becoming law. Every one of these is a tragedy:

Safety of Rwanda (Asylum and Immigration) Bill

Passed Parliament, passed the Lords, and eager Britons on both sides of the political divide were anxious to see it not really work in any way, but it won’t even make it that far. Sunak hasn’t come out and said so because it hurts him to see racists cry. In our hearts, though, we know it’s over.

Tobacco and Vaping Bill

The perfect balance of stopping others doing something while continuing to do it yourself, the bill has been abandoned by the Tories. Keir Starmer has promised to take it up after the election. Distressingly, based on his previous record of pre-election promises, that means it will die alone and unloved like a baby deer whose mother has been shot.

Renters (Reform) Bill

A bill which would improve rights for tenants and stop landlords treating them like cockroach infestations was close to Tory hearts, siding as they always do with the poor and downtrodden over wealthy exploiters. Which is why it took a mere four-and-a-half years to come to parliament and is now being ghosted like a Tinder f**k.

Football Governance Bill

Another darling of the Conservatives for promising to curb the worst excesses of capitalism it will never now become law, leaving them bereft and in mourning. All that lobbying, all that watering down, and for what? Nothing but free box tickets and ludicrously costly lunches for months on end. It’s no wonder they’re afraid to ever love again.

Human Rights (are for Pussies) Bill

The moment the Tory right saw this bill, nothing else mattered. Their eyes protruded on stalks, their tongues hung out, they were pathetically hard. To finally declare the sham of human rights over, using immigrants as an excuse, and return working conditions back to the good old days of the Industrial Revolution? How can they recover from losing that?

Scuttle Britain Bill

As yet unwritten, but implicit in the Johnson manifesto, was a promise to sell off everything remaining of value in the country, including its populace, and then sink it beneath the waves to stop Labour ever getting their filthy hands on it again. The perfect bill, the ultimate bill, the last triumph of Conservatism and now the dream is lost. Gutted.

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I challenge Sir Keir to a six-game Warhammer series, winner takes Downing Street. By Rishi Sunak

I BELIEVE there is a better way to select the next prime minister: a marathon session of the popular tabletop wargame Warhammer 40k.

Instead of this long, inefficient process of TV interviews, stage-managed factory visits and awkward encounters with poor people, I propose a battle to the death between my trusty Imperial Space Marines and an army of robotic Necron warriors commanded by Keir Starmer.

The skills required for Warhammer – a strategic mind, attention to detail, not being distracted by girls – are precisely what a prime minister needs, and more importantly I feel it will move the debate on from distractions like why we’re still not deporting anyone despite apparently doing nothing of any value whatsoever in the last five years.

Admittedly the initial reaction to my plan was mixed. ‘For Christ’s sake don’t mention this to anyone,’ my media advisor Georgina said. ‘People already think you’re a tragic nerd who spends all his time wanking over Princess Leia. That’s what the last YouGov poll said, anyway.’

Undeterred, this morning I informed all major news outlets that I am challenging Starmer to six games of Warhammer, with the number of enemy units killed used as a tiebreaker in the event of a draw. The winner gets 10 Downing Street and therefore can be prime minister for as long as they like. 

I feel Warhammer will allow voters to see the real me, manfully towering over my 1:56 scale figures as I get out my tape measure and carefully work out if my enemies are within range, then unleash a deadly volley of fire with skilfully rolled dice.

As Starmer’s Necron hordes take damage and fall, the minor missteps of my premiership will be forgotten. Crowds will fill the streets chanting ‘Rishi! Rishi!’ and Starmer won’t be able to bully me like he does at Prime Minister’s Questions. I hope Sophie Ridge from Sky is there. She’s pretty.

So let’s set a date. If Sir Keir refuses to face me in TV debates, let him pit his Triarch Stalkers against my Predator tanks. Finally Britain can see me as the charismatic, alpha male leader of Space Marines that I really am.