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Homeless people are untidy, Britain reluctantly agrees

DESPITE the UK’s natural unwillingness to help the unfortunate, Burnham’s plan to end rough sleeping has won support because they are rather scruffy. 

Britons have agreed that much as they are against kindness on principle, if it makes their town centres tidier they will allow it because it is in a good cause.

Susan Traherne of Exeter said: “While this comes from a place of liberal compassion I despise, their tents are very unsightly. Also their dogs.

“And I think it’s a lovely idea to get them off the streets for Christmas, because that’s when I go into the city for drinks and the cathedral market and they really clutter the place up making it look unpleasantly Dickensian.

“It’s a shame they have to be given emergency accommodation when there are cheaper and permanent solutions but politics is about compromise. If they’re gone that’s the main thing. Good on Burnham.”

The prime minister said: “Do stuff Tories like but pretend it’s out of the goodness of your heart. It got Blair three terms.”

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I hold all my key Zoom meetings in Wetherspoons. This phone speaker ban will hurt my bottom line

‘BUY,’ ‘Sell,’ What’s the margin on that?’ and ‘Borrow in yen and invest in bonds.’ Just a few of the things I say while running a major business from Wetherspoons.

Yes, world-leading CEOs such as myself and Stephen Bartlett have long since moved beyond the conventional office. We’re agile, flexible, based anywhere, and I’ve found the best value rent in town to be my local ‘Spoons.

I’m there every morning at 9am with my headset, barking ‘Just an orange juice please,’ knowing I need to be sharp if I’m to corner the market in pork futures.

It’s a positive advantage to have no music in the professional wood-panelled backdrop of The Friar Penketh, which looks like a boardroom if you angle your laptop screen correctly. But banning speaker calls?

Doesn’t Tim Martin realise I’m running a multinational business? I can’t do that in silence. Sometimes you have to call San Francisco and give them a proper bollocking for not rezoning those land parcels.

Move me on? I’m ordering a steady stream of soft drinks, maybe a pint or two at lunch to relieve the pressure, perhaps a double rum and coke or two when the Nasdaq opens to steady my nerves. It’s me keeping this place profitable.

See sense, Wetherspoons. Make an exception for professionals like myself who make your pubs an attractive destination catering to high-income consumers in top tax brackets. Reverse this foolish ban.

And to those nay-sayers claiming my headset’s not connected, my laptop isn’t on and I’m hammered by noon shouting ‘fax the contracts’ at a blank screen, you just don’t understand business. I’m a go-getting entrepreneur. Another Stella, please.

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