How are you pretending Britain's coming recession is nothing to do with Brexit?

THE UK is out on its own as a major economy facing recession, and out on its own due to a choice made some years earlier. How are you pretending the two are unrelated? 

Jeremy Hunt, chancellor, aged 56

“I underwent inexpert laser surgery on those areas of my brain concerning the word you said which means I cannot hear the word, know it, or recognise the force it exerts on the economy. To me it’s as mysterious as dark matter. We should all be like this.”

Donna Sheridan, retail worker, aged 32

“There can’t be anything up with Brexit because I voted for it, so what I do is say they’ve got Brexit wrong. That idiot politicians who never truly understood the power and majesty of Brexit have ruined it while the Brexit of my intentions remains shining and pure. It’s great because I can never be proved wrong. I got the idea off communists.”

Emma Bradford, Daily Mail writer, aged 42

“What I’ve done is returned to the old standby of claiming a low-tax high-growth economy will solve everything, even though that idea was thoroughly discredited by Liz Truss not four full months ago and surely people remember. It’s ridiculous, humiliating and doomed to failure, but anything rather than knock Brexit.”

Norman Steele, Brexit and UKIP voter, aged 68

“For me it’s a matter of personal respect. I backed Brexit, I’m old and my blood pressure’s through the roof, so why upset me by blaming Brexit? Why would you pick on the poor old folks who just wanted their 1950s back? It’s your duty to not link this shit economy we’ve got now with the thing I like, or I might cry.”

Tim Martin, Wetherspoons owner, aged 67

“I’m firing off blame wildly. VAT on food, drinkers staying home, lazy staff, too much prestige TV these days, long Covid, solar flares, and the shifting magnetic north are all excuses I’ve shot off. Otherwise I’d be admitting the policy I campaigned long and hard for has made me look a total dickhead. No-one must ever know.”

Roy Hobbs, fishmonger, aged 51

“Not bothering mate. Even though I voted for Brexit I’m cheerfully turning around, saying ‘that Brexit turned out to be shit innit’ and accepting no responsibility. ‘We made a mistake and we need to get back in the EU,’ I say casually to liberal types grinding their teeth. ‘Still, live and learn don’tcha?’ I add.”

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The middle-aged guide to which celebrities you'll outlive

MIDDLE-AGED and concerned for your own mortality as guitar heroes and actors of your youth die off by the week? You’ll have the last laugh with these: 

Will Smith

If you’re still in your 40s you’re in with a good chance against Smith, aged 54. It’ll be weird though, abstract sadness mixed with realising most of his films were crap: Wild Wild West, After Earth, Suicide Squad. Men In Black, and its theme song, covered many sins.

Nigel Farage

Let’s face it, 58-year-old Farage’s grave will need a sturdy piss-proof cover. There’ll probably be coach tours for that very purpose. Even Brexiters may have lost faith by then, but don’t count on it. Cause of death: a toss-up between his libertarian love of smoking and Satan collecting on the deal.

Glynis Barber

Death does not discriminate between the wicked and the stars of Dempsey & Makepeace. The passing of Glynis, aged 67, will be sad, and all we can do is remember our happy times together, such as her being an intergalactic mercenary in Blake’s 7.

Sarah Vine

Not far past 40? You may yet outlive Mail journalist Vine, aged 55, the human bile-fountain too repellent even for Michael Gove. Her bottomless vindictiveness will not be forgotten.

John Nettles

79-year-old Nettles’s end will be deeply unsettling, reminding you of the transient nature of man’s achievements. As Shelley put it: ‘Look upon Bergerac, ye Mighty, and despair.’

Boris Johnson

At 58, and having lied about his exercise regime like everything else, Boris is unlikely to live to a triumphant 103. Sickening tributes on the Tory-controlled BBC will describe him as ‘Britain’s most colourful prime minister’. Nadine Dorries will sit by his grave like Greyfriars Bobby.

Most of Elastica

Your twilight years will be a Britpop massacre. Elastica may make it, but when they – and members of Echobelly, Menswear, Cast and Lush – start shuffling off their mortal coils you’ll be hardened to it by the earlier loss of much of the shoegaze scene and the Great Madchester Massacre.

Jenny Agutter

The passing of the 70-year-old star of Logan’s Run, The Eagle Has Landed and An American Werewolf in London will leave Britain’s men in a ‘funny mood’ for days, if not weeks.

Piers Morgan

57-year-old Morgan is less much-loved than unavoidable, with his sick Meghan obsession and insufferable ego. Perhaps TV companies may realise viewers don’t want to watch someone they f**king hate? Even so, it will be a shocking moment when he’s finally dead. A little part of you will go with him. You won’t miss it.