How Britain's coming recession will work: A simple guide for Liz Truss

BRITONS who do not understand simple economics, like Liz Truss, seem confused as to how the coming recession will begin. Here is a step-by-step guide:

Rocketing inflation means ordinary people cutting spending on non-essential items, like meals out or trainers. Shops close and employees lose their jobs. Liz Truss responds with unprecedented cuts to corporation tax.

The unemployed cut spending further, meaning even more closures of shops and manufacturers. More jobs are lost and the spiral continues. Liz Truss hits back by cutting benefits.

Britons struggling to pay bills and rent move back in with their parents. Buy-to-let wankers suddenly can’t pay their mortgages and sell their twatty investments. House prices plummet. Liz Truss announces tax breaks for investment buyers holding multiple properties.

Government raises interest rates to stop inflation. Nobody has any savings because the recession’s wiped them out, but it is the final straw for thousands of mortgage holders. House prices plummet further. Liz Truss unveils a rescue package for banks.

Nation hits rock bottom. There are no jobs, no money and nothing on the telly because Channel 4’s been sold, Netflix is a distant dream and the BBC’s been cut to f**k. Liz Truss makes keynote speech decrying our ‘something-for-nothing’ culture before abolishing capital gains tax.

Britain limps to 2024. Liz Truss remembers there’s a general election coming, borrows £6 billion and lavishes it on the country. Economy returns to growth for first time in two years. Everyone votes Tory because you can’t trust Labour with the nation’s finances. Liz Truss re-elected with beam of pride.

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Alan Sugar's world of incessant bullshit

LORD Sugar, an unbiased impartial BBC employee and billionaire business wanker, details the pointless bullshit he fills every day with.

Twitter rants

When I tweet, the world listens. I like to point out the travesty of people ‘working’ from home. The fact that I’m a commercial landlord in no way affects my views on these bone idle snowflake scumbags who need their bollocks cutting off with a rusty hacksaw.

Rehearsing for The Apprentice

The Apprentice just keeps getting better and better, and has definitely not become a tired parody of real business with a bunch of delusional sales twats. In the months before a new series I make sure I’m word-perfect with my much-loved catchphrases: ‘You’re fired’, ‘Toot off the market’, ‘I’ve got a hole in my bloody arse’. It’s like being Laurence Olivier and Shakespeare rolled into one.

Being a member of the House of Lords

A few times a week I like to get out the old ermine. I don’t actually go to the House of Lords, hence my abysmal voting record, I just like to look at myself in the mirror and feel important. Lords are the top people in England, like the Queen. I could probably have your head chopped off.

Watching GB News

It’s the only channel not afraid to tell the truth about the woke hellhole Britain has become. Apparently children can’t say ‘Mummy’ anymore, they have to call them ‘Non-gender specific small person incubation unit’. If you disagree you’ll be tried in front of a Sharia court for transphobia. I’m not sure how that would work, but it’s not what I pay my bloody taxes for!

Inventing new Amstrad products

My video phone wasn’t a piece of overpriced, pointless crap as critics claim, it was just ahead of its time. I’m always sketching out new products like the AmFax, a fax-enabled mobile phone with a built-in printer. The faxes are tiny, but it’s got a holder on the back for a magnifying glass.

Looking for my next challenge

Billionaire, TV star, owner of an electronic components wholesaler – yes, there isn’t much left for this boy from a council flat in the East End to achieve. Except becoming an omnipotent deity. I’ve always thought I could do a better job than God, so every night I pray to Him offering to buy a 50 per cent share of the universe. I’ve not heard back yet, but no one’s going to turn down a chance to work with Lord Alan Sugar.