BRITONS who do not understand simple economics, like Liz Truss, seem confused as to how the coming recession will begin. Here is a step-by-step guide:
Rocketing inflation means ordinary people cutting spending on non-essential items, like meals out or trainers. Shops close and employees lose their jobs. Liz Truss responds with unprecedented cuts to corporation tax.
The unemployed cut spending further, meaning even more closures of shops and manufacturers. More jobs are lost and the spiral continues. Liz Truss hits back by cutting benefits.
Britons struggling to pay bills and rent move back in with their parents. Buy-to-let wankers suddenly can’t pay their mortgages and sell their twatty investments. House prices plummet. Liz Truss announces tax breaks for investment buyers holding multiple properties.
Government raises interest rates to stop inflation. Nobody has any savings because the recession’s wiped them out, but it is the final straw for thousands of mortgage holders. House prices plummet further. Liz Truss unveils a rescue package for banks.
Nation hits rock bottom. There are no jobs, no money and nothing on the telly because Channel 4’s been sold, Netflix is a distant dream and the BBC’s been cut to f**k. Liz Truss makes keynote speech decrying our ‘something-for-nothing’ culture before abolishing capital gains tax.
Britain limps to 2024. Liz Truss remembers there’s a general election coming, borrows £6 billion and lavishes it on the country. Economy returns to growth for first time in two years. Everyone votes Tory because you can’t trust Labour with the nation’s finances. Liz Truss re-elected with beam of pride.