How to squander a 20-point poll lead, by Keir Starmer

IT looks like Labour are a shoo-in for the next election, doesn’t it? Well, here’s how we will massively f**k it up.

Be wishy-washy about Brexit

We’re screwed when it comes to Brexit, as we need to appeal to both hard-as-nails Red Wall northerners and fluffy liberal wankers down south. So we’ll just keep fudging the issue as we have for the past eight years, meaning neither group will vote for us.

Claim to be the party of the workers without supporting strikes

This is another area where we come unstuck, as we say we support trade unions but then we tell them not to go on strike for better pay or conditions because it’s terribly inconvenient for the Tory voters we’re trying to woo. The sheer frustration we cause people will lose us a few poll points.

Get involved in the culture wars

Rather than just concentrate on the things most people find important, like the economy and the NHS, we’ll wade into arguments that have largely been manufactured by bored people on Twitter. Why devote ourselves to winning an election when we can get embroiled in divisive rows that make us look like tits?

Have a f**k load of infighting

Is Labour too lefty? Or veering to the right too much? Or too boringly, uselessly centrist? The answer is all three, and we argue about it constantly. Say what you like about the Tories, at least they’re all prepared to rally around whichever hideous bastard they have in charge when the going gets tough, however much they secretly hate them.

Keep me on as leader

Yes, I’m vaguely popular at the moment, but that’s because I’m being compared to the woman who clusterf**ked the country in just two months and her unelected anonymity of a successor. Another couple of years of my nasal voice and uninspiring speeches, and you’ll all be clamouring to vote for Boris again.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Michael Spicer Is In The Room Next Door For Liz Truss's Acceptance Speech | Late Night Mash | Dave