How we could ease the cost-of-living crisis but no f**king way will we, by the Tories

THERE are so many things we could do to ease the cost-of-living crisis that we will not go f**king near. Conservative MP Denys Finch Hatton explains: 

VAT decrease

VAT has gone up three times in 40 years, from eight per cent to 20 per cent, and I’m proud to say every single one of those rises has been under the Tories. Slashing it in half would cancel out inflation entirely. But we won’t do that and f**k you for asking.

Nationalise an energy company

Private energy companies are going bust all over the place. We could nationalise one, put the full weight of the government behind it, get energy cheaper and sell it to our citizens at zero profit. And kiss my whole arse if you think we’re going to. We’ll bail out their shareholders instead.

Increase benefits

Unemployment has never been lower, so the number of people on benefits is negligible. We could recognise that those out-of-work now are largely unable to improve their situation and help the most vulnerable. Bollocks to that. We’d rather tens of thousands more were unemployed. If it was good enough for Thatcher.

Windfall tax on energy companies

It’s unfortunately been noticed that energy companies are enjoying record profits just as they’re charging – entirely unrelated – record prices. We could impose a windfall tax, and it would piss Starmer off most deliciously, but nah. Instead we’ll ask them nicely to invest it in green energy, and they’ll lie.

Go in with the EU

The EU’s not suffering anything like the energy costs we are. We could get together with them, take advantage of collective bargaining, get a better deal for our people. Or, and this is my preferred course, you could suck my dick with that commie shit. We’ve got a good hard Brexit and we’re not diluting it. You can suffer.

Tax on higher earners

Whether it’s the top rate of income tax, capital gains tax or corporation tax, we could raise it, bring cash pouring in and use that money to help those struggling. And why would we ever do that? Do you know who we are and what we stand for? Exactly. Go f**k yourselves.

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Six ways to get through three weeks of Jubilee wank

HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through:


Patriots drink. Churchill was pissed throughout World War Two. So it’s a celebration of the Queen’s reign to down a shot every time anyone says ‘it’s a celebration of the Queen’s reign’. The brain needs numbing to ITV’s endless loop of documentaries about every dump she’s ever has taken.


…so when the booze isn’t doing it, augment with recreational drugs. Preferably hallucinogenic ones so you’ll forever remember the Coronation taking place on the summit of Everest and the moment Diana touched the Sceptre of Power and dissolved into snakes. It’s preferable to reality.


Despite your best efforts, you will have lucid moments, potentially when you hear about your child having a week’s worth of maths lessons substituted for ones on afternoon tea. So go outside, take a deep breath, and spraypaint the Royal crest on a bin. They can’t touch you for it.

Running and hiding

Even with the telly off, every inch of public space will be strangled by bunting. Every KitKat will be a Jubilee KitKat. So run away to the woods and live off nuts and berries, only to be arrested by a gamekeeper who informs you these 4,000 acres are owned by the Duchy of Cornwall.

A day off

In your lowest moments, just keep telling yourself it will all be worth it for the extra bank holiday. It will be worth it for that sweet, sweet day of paid leave, surely? Even if you do have to spend it at a patriotic steam rally?


If you can’t beat them, run from them, or numb your senses to them, join them. You managed patriotism during the Euros and it didn’t kill you. Go to a street party with two friends, stick red, white and blue flares up your arses and run around like a grounded Red Arrows.