How we must all learn to live with Boris, by Boris Johnson

IT is unrealistic to imagine we can eradicate Boris. Every previous attempt to do so has failed. Instead we must face that Boris is now part of life and learn to live with it.  

Yes, it will prove fatal to some. But there were always people dying of very similar strains of wealthy sociopath to Boris, and we have accepted and even celebrated that.

There will be those people who cannot live normal lives, such is their sensitivity to and aversion to Boris. They have our sympathy but we cannot run society for their benefit.

There are those who say that preventative measures should continue. Who place faith in antibodies the Sue Gray report and the police investigation. But these can only limit Boris for short periods, not wipe him out.

Some believe another lockdown could finish Boris. Yet the cost to us, to our economy, to ordinary British lives, will be incalculable. Far better to let Boris rip and pick up the pieces afterwards.

The country has largely developed immunity to Boris. Even the extreme shocks to public feeling caused by his parties have largely worn off. Eventually, the body is too exhausted to go through the raging effects and merely shrugs them off.

A novel politician like Boris, combining radical populism and Latin, was something the UK had no defence against. In time it will be no more than a minor irritation causing inflation and corruption of institutions.

Make no mistake, Boris is here to stay. And that is entirely your problem now.

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Covid goes out on a high

THE coronavirus has triumphantly ended its classic run in England by infecting the country’s head of state, it has confirmed. 

After a two-year rampage through every level of British society, Covid will be declared officially over later today after finally making it to the upper echelons of the Royal Family.

A spokeman for the virus said: “If it’s got to go out – and the extreme right of the Tory party say there’s no other choice – then go out right at the bloody top. Bang.

“It was always the plan. Generate word-of-mouth interest by mingling with the grassroots population, before building up to a big spectacular finish. Like Wham! The Final at Wembley.

“Any virus will tell you that you don’t just start with the Queen. You’d be painting yourself into a corner in terms of headlines. But by carefully staggering our rollout we’ve managed to grab public attention one final time.

“Quite simply we’ve got nowhere to go from here. We’re the last movie of a blockbuster trilogy. If we came back with a new variant it’d be diminishing returns and would only tarnish the thrilling rush of the original.

“As Elvis said, always leave ‘em wanting more. People will be asking themselves ‘how could any pandemic top that?’ for decades to come.

“Thank you and goodnight, Britain. Covid has left the building.”