Six equally beautiful, fabulous celebrity women who shouldn't be pitted against each other, ranked

ALL women are incredible in their own way and there’s space for every one of them to succeed. But which one’s best according to 55-year-old joiner Roy Hobbs? 

6. Taylor Swift

Gorgeous multiple Grammy-winning Swift is an immense talent with an unblemished track record of hits and proud record of fighting for feminism. But after her music was bought by a man she hates she set about re-recording it, which comes across as ungrateful, petty and mean.

5. Beyonce

Queen Bey has ruled the charts for more than two decades and turned her husband Jay-Z’s infidelity into a stunning visual album that spanned genres and the full spectrum of human emotion. When really such things should be dealt with behind closed doors for the sake of the children.

4. Malala Yousafzai

Beyonce has yet to escape assassination by the Taliban, unlike Malala, and nor has she written a bestselling memoir, so she pales in comparison. Also Malala is younger than both Bey and Swift and graduated with a degree from Oxford. However, it does not seem she got a first.

3. Charlize Theron

An Oscar-winning actress who also enlivens Fast & Furious films and produces her own movies? Who’s risen from a troubled childhood to become one of the leading lights of Hollywood? Truly admirable. However she remains unmarried, setting a poor example.

2. Rihanna

Outstripping Malala in the race to the top is billionaire businesswoman and singer Rihanna, whose ground-breaking make-up and lingerie ranges forced the beauty industry to confront long-held racist standards. Not done an album for a bit though, has she? That’s called letting down your fans.

1. Michelle Obama

Does Rihanna have a degree from Princeton or Harvard? Was Beyonce the first black First Lady to the first black president? A bestselling author and one of the most admired woman in America, Michelle also has fantastically toned arms and a million-dollar smile. Though let’s face it she’s no Oprah Winfrey.

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Why today's young people must be drafted, sent to war against Russia, killed and then come home and vote Conservative

THE liberal press, predictably, sees war in Russia as a bad thing. I see it as an opportunity. An opportunity for today’s spoilt Netflix generation to toughen up. 

Because war – no-mercy, millions-needlessly-slaughtered war against an implacable opponent – is exactly what the avocado-toast millennials and the TikToking Zoomers need.

There’ll be no moaning about house prices when they’re in Army barracks. There’ll be no complaining about their zero-hours barista jobs when they’re field-stripping L85 bullpup assault rifles.

And there’ll be no insisting on they/them pronouns or calling the Mr Men racist when the bullets are flying. Once Generation Coddled is on the frontline they’ll soon drop their bullshit.

Do I care about Ukraine? Do I bugger. They all speak Russian anyway. You spend 40 years in Stalin’s back pocket? You’re no friend of mine.

But this war is the perfect way of bringing our mollycoddled Twitterati wokeist metropolitan cold-brew-sipping man-bun vegan binge-watching knee-taking genderqueer children – including my own – face-to-face with reality.

While they’re gone we’ll create a Britain fit for heroes. We’ll abolish the BBC, bring back fox-hunting and put the NHS in safe American hands. Gun-owning will be legal. Cannabis possession? Life in prison.

So when our battle-hardened youngsters return, dead or alive, after their bracing confrontation with murderous reality, they’ll thank us. They’ll join us in our alcoholism. They’ll line up to vote Conservative. And they’ll finally understand why we backed Brexit.