How will the budget affect a decent, normal, homeowning family, not childless, single, renting freaks like you?

TODAY is Jeremy Hunt’s first budget – but how will it affect ordinary families with children and mortgages, not bizarre childless singleton aberrations?

ENERGY: Hardworking families will get extra help with their energy needs, like washing football kit and gathering around the kitchen table to play Monopoly. Regrettably, these subsidies are unavoidably extended to peculiar losers who have found nobody to love them.

FREE CHILDCARE: Young families feeling the pinch are given 30 hours of free childcare a week for children under three, and boy, do they need it! Those who have selfishly transgressed against societal norms by not having children get nothing and have to pay for the childcare of others.

ALCOHOL DUTY: 45p on a bottle of wine won’t really bother couples who enjoy one sensible glass in front of Dragon’s Den. It’s going to hit lonely scum like you in fancy jobs in the arts who drink heavily to drown their sorrows at how their lives have worked out miserable. Good.

FUEL DUTY: A freeze on fuel duty will be a real boost to families with two children who love to drive out to a National Trust property at the weekend for a wholesome picnic. You probably haven’t even got a car and use public transport with your precious little earbuds in, clinging to a podcast for company. You’re pathetic and you make us sick.

PENSIONS: The lifetime pension allowance goes up, so silver-haired but active couples can enjoy comfortable retirements, playing with their grandchildren in their large gardens and owning a labrador. You probably have cats, don’t you? And of course you haven’t got a pension. You’re too obsessed with Balenciaga trainers, city breaks, and paying rent.

SWIMMING POOLS: A new £63-million fund will help swimming pools stay open, so dads can horse around with their boys having the time of their lives. Don’t bring them down with your joyless lane swimming. Join a gym like all the other loners with nothing to fill their evenings. Stop offending us with your existence.

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Late-night activities that'll sicken you for choosing them over sex

IS it time for bed with your loving partner, but somehow you just can’t be arsed to leave the sofa? Here are things that’ll leave you ashamed of your own sloth but you’ll do anyway.

Have a solitary drinks party

Polish off the wine or crack open more booze in a sad little party-for-one. An unusual gathering where all the guests, ie. you, watch the fallout of an earthquake in Turkmenistan on rolling news. Curse your feeble sex drive, because a shag then sleep would have prevented you being sleep-deprived and hungover tomorrow at work.


Late at night, when you’re tired and it’s gloomy, is the worst time to reflect on the inherently disappointing nature of existence. Even the most mundane sex would have been infinitely preferably to a mental trawl through opportunities missed, careers that never happened and people you could have shagged. Plus you’ll probably dream about an old flame idealised by your subconscious mind and wake up emotionally jittery and depressed. 

Start something creative

Weirdly, your brain can suddenly fire up late at night. Now, focused and without distractions, is the time to grab your laptop and begin your Day of the Jackal or Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. After 22 minutes you realise it’s harder than it looks and all you’ve come up with is a vague kids’ book idea about a comprehensive school for psychic children. 

A depressing snack

An illicit midnight snack can be satisfying if you’ve got nice food in. However you probably haven’t and you’re trying not to clatter around the kitchen. Pickled onions with tomato puree in a slice of brown bread and a bag of beef crisps is not a sensory pleasure superior to sex.

Watch the TV dead zone 

It’s the time of night when The LeoVegas Live Casino Show is deemed acceptable viewing. You’re not some pathetic gambling addict though – you decisively switch over to American Dad, the even poorer man’s Family Guy. It’s shit, so you watch the relatively interesting air fryers on Ideal World. Maybe there’s a repeat of The Professionals on ITV4? No, just Hornblower again. Ironic, really, because you missed your chance to get your horn blown an hour ago.


With a bit of phone porn you end up having an unsatisfactory sexual experience when you could have had a less unsatisfactory one at a sensible time. Paul Newman once famously said: ‘Why go out for hamburgers when I have steak at home?’ This is more like dialling out for a bag of Wotsits when you could have had a Pot Noodle in the shed.