How will the typical inner London cow-owning home-based lathe-operator with two families fare in the budget?

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Lowest possible acceptable amount donated to friend's fundraiser

THE smallest possible socially acceptable sum of money has been donated to a friend’s fundraiser, it has emerged.

Susan Traherne’s charity run in support of Cancer Research UK has been inundated with pitifully meagre donations from friends which would be rejected if they were gifted in any other context.

Friend Tom Booker said: “Donating to a mate’s fundraiser involves calculating how much I can afford to spare and how much I give a shit. The result is invariably a nice round fiver.

“Anything less than that is a pisstake, and anything more sets a costly precedent I’ll be forced to live up to in the future. Nobody is ever happy to receive a cash injection that can barely stretch to a pint, but they’re socially obliged not to appear disappointed by it either. It’s perfect.”

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “Susan still owes me a drink, which I’ve factored into my donation. I’m sure she’ll be grateful for my generous support of £1.12 though.

“And considering she’s forced me to attend expensive hen dos and birthday parties, she should count herself lucky. I’m well within my rights to donate an invoice for a couple of hundred quid in order to balance the books.”

A Cancer Research UK spokesperson said: “We were relying on Susan to bankroll a breakthrough, but we’re 50 pence short and now we have to close down forever.”