I also have a dream, says Suella Braverman

LIKE Martin Luther King. Suella Braverman has a dream, though hers is to see flights deporting migrants to Rwanda by Christmas. And more: 

“Even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow – and let’s be honest, this conference has been a f**king nightmare – I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the batshit Brexit fantasies of hard-right nutjobs and bigots.

“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of the gammon creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, apart from women, gays and foreigners, obviously.’

“I have a dream that on the sewage-lapped shores of Great Britain, the sons of former Labour-voting Red Wall voters and the sons of former Tory MPs will be able to sit down together at the table of racism and xenophobia.

“I have a dream that one day even woke cities like Brighton and Bristol, cities drowning in ethnic diversity and transgender perverts, drowning in vegans and cultural Marxists, will be transformed into deserts of prejudice and inhumanity.

“I have a dream that all of our children will one day live in a nation where they will be judged not by the content of their character, but whether they earn enough money for us to give them unnecessary tax breaks.

“I have a dream that one day every school, every library, every hospital in our country will be privatised, nothing left in inefficient public hands, and on that day we shall sing free at last, free at last, thank the almighty markets that nothing is free. At last.”

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Goth not sure if he should be excited for Halloween

A GOTH is not sure if he should be getting excited for Halloween or if it goes against his whole persona, it has emerged.

With weeks to go until mass celebration of everything dark, spooky and dead, committed goth Wayne Azrael-Nightshade is unsure whether he should look forward to October 31st or maintain his customary melancholy demeanour.

He said: “On the one hand there’s bats and skeletons and Grim Reaper outfits in B&M and Halloween episodes of The Simpsons. On the other, I’m expected to be a miserable killjoy at all times. It’s a tricky one.

“Would I be betraying the community by counting down the days with a beaming smile cracking my alabaster face? Or is delighting in an ancient Celtic festival focused on the occult consistent with my Gothic creed?

“My heart lifts when I see suburban houses draped in cobwebs with gravestones in the garden and ghosts in the windows. But I’m not sure my heart should lift. It’s meant to be shrivelled and black.

“F**k it. If everyone else can get into Christmas, I can get into the Halloween spirit. I’m stocking up on Haribo Sour Skeletons and getting a smoke machine for the hall. It’s what the forces of darkness would want.”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “I think Wayne’s made the right choice. Nothing looks more depressing than the sight of an adult selling out their beliefs.”