17 unmissable tv shows you can't be arsed with distilled down into one sentence

THERE’S far to much telly and everyone’s always trying to talk to you about it. These 17 shows you’ll never get round to can be summed up as follows: 

The Sopranos – Fat mob boss wears dressing gown, has mates with great names, ending was either genius or bollocks.

Succession – Excellent theme song followed by twats being twats to other twats, all of them rich, based on the Murdoch family about whom you don’t care.

Breaking Bad – Cancer-ridden teacher sells blue crystal meth with a lad clearly too old to be a teenager, following the rule of thumb that the balder Walt gets the more evil he is.

Mad Men – Advertising executive drama that’s cool as shit because everyone smokes and drinks like Wigan Working Men’s Club in the office during the day.

Lost – Cost a fortune to crash land a beautiful cast on an island that turns out to be up someone’s arse, for all the sense it ultimately made.

Game of Thrones – Fantasy epic with a cast so large you’re only just working out who someone is when they get killed, with gore, tits, dragons and a shite ending.

The X Files – 90s as f**k and not to be watched before bed, unless you want sex dreams about Scully that become nightmares about dated prosthetics.

The Handmaid’s Tale – A dystopian One Born Every Minute with more cloaks, hoods and public hangings.

Chernobyl – Spoiler alert, it doesn’t end well, and Trevor from Eastenders gets his knob out.

The West Wing – White House drama with busy people walking and talking through plotlines far less wildly imaginative than the Trump presidency.

The Wire – Baltimore crime epic with so much street drug slang that even now your mother refers to five-oh, the re-up, and burner phones.

Our Friends In The North – Five Geordies live through a dizzying array of major political issues over three decades, ending with car-twocking.

Peaky Blinders – Mumbling men in flat caps like it’s last orders in a rural pub, except they’re all gorgeous murderers.

The Walking Dead – Post-apocalpyse soap that, like its titular zombies, staggers on forever but is easily avoided.

Line of Duty – British cops pretend to be as thrillingly corrupt as American cops in long interrogation scenes where the best bit is changing the slides on a PowerPoint.

Deadwood – Western with mud, swearing, and Lovejoy being a right bastard but precisely no cowboys duel at high noon so f**k that.

The Crown – You’ve seen this one in real life and it’s no more interesting.

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Is your first month in a new job going better than Liz Truss's?

STARTED a new job recently? Wondering how you’re doing, comparatively? Find out how your first month stacks up against the prime minister’s: 

Did you make a good first impression?

A) No. I spent my first day walking around with my flies undone, spilt scalding coffee over the CEO, and my car got trapped under the barrier
B) Yes. I gave a rousing speech about how brilliant I would be, though the audience let me down by not knowing when to applaud

Are you getting on with your new team?

A) Not really. A joke I made on the first day got me called in for a verbal warning, they deliberately time lunch for when I’ve finished mine and they all wear headphones
B) Yes, because I got rid of the dead wood and hired a new team who all think I’m great. Who cares what the old team think!

Have you demonstrated your skillset?

A) I think they’ve twigged that I lied on my CV about knowing Photoshop, and Powerpoint, and Excel, and Word. I thought they’d be easier to pick up
B) Undoubtedly. Not just as a consummate public speaker but as a confident interviewee with the facts at her fingertips and a valiant economic visionary

Got a nickname yet?

A) The Liability. Shitface. Cannon Fodder. Fired Yet? The 40-Year-Old Intern. And F**kwit.
B) The Iron Lady and She Who Is Not For Turning, though they’re sort of inherited.

Any catastrophic mistakes?

A) Yeah, I got confused and managed to wipe the servers containing the last six years’ financial records just before an audit. Since then I’m not allowed to use a computer. Bit worried I won’t pass my probation?
B) Absolutely not. The pound did suffer a wobble, and the Bank of England fussed about nothing, and there’s been a slight issue with the polls that will correct in no time and there’s been one minor direction change, but apart from that it’s a triumph


Mostly As: Congratulations! You’ve had one of the worst first months in a new role since Sam Allardyce managed England, but it’s nowhere near as bad as Liz Truss’s. You will shortly be fired.

Mostly Bs: Bad news! You’re even worse than the most terrible f**k-up any office has ever seen, proving yourself to be incompetent in every department. But you’re safe in your role until the end of 2023, Liz.