Major life improvements you'll keep up for all of two days

HAS the moment finally come? To sort your shit out and find the new, better you? Will it last until Thursday? 

Sleep hygiene 

No more scrolling your ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s brother’s Instagram into the small hours. You’ll be loaded on chamomile tea and asleep by 10pm, only using Instagram to post about your smug life choices. Until you realise Netflix at night is far preferable to yoga at dawn and apps that listen to you breathe all night are creepy.

Life organising

No more wasting time ransacking the house for your keys, wallet or sense of self-worth. You’re implementing goddamn systems. Meal plans on the fridge, dishwashers stacked according to YouTube, clothes folded practically before they’re off. For a day-and-a-half, before you decide embracing chaos is key to your identity.

Anger management

Farewell to the impatient, teeth-clenching monster getting passive-agressive to baristas who f**k up coffee orders, moving to openly agressive when it’s suggested you chill out, it’s just a latte. From now on, you’ll inhale deeply and go to your happy place when the next cinema seat to you has nachos. Until Wednesday when you headbutt a bus stop.

Focus on others

When did you last think about other people? And not in a ‘she cannot pull off that top’ way? That changes today. The new you is generous, caring, giving, holding open doors, sharing with strangers, handing fivers to the homeless. The old you comes back with a bang on Thursday when a taxi driver gives you the Vs and you think ‘f**k that prick’.

Health and wellness

The world is falling apart, but that doesn’t mean your body needs to. Cut the junk, throw away those secret fags, exercise and buy an eight-pound bag of chia seeds to be all your snacks from now on. Tell everyone how much better life is when you only eat food that tastes awful. Hope your friends are forgiving when you’re caught eating a McFlurry in 48 hours’ time.

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Slytherin party conference sneers at degrees in Harry Potter studies

THE annual Slytherin party conference has sneered at Gryffindor swots doing degrees in Harry Potter studies. 

The conference, which brings together ambitious, cunning wizards with no moral compass, saw leading Slytherin pureblood Andrea Jenkyns criticise Hogwarts for offering courses in that worm Potter.

She continued: “They could be studying poisoning, enthrallment, necromancy or any number of useful trades. But no, it’s all hero worship of Potter.

“‘He’s historically significant! He defeated Voldemort and saved the Wizarding World! There’s never been anyone as great as Potter!’ Grow up.

“What’s he done since? Held down a mid-level position in the Ministry of Magic, where he blocks bold Slytherin administrations achieving great things by calling it ‘dark wizardry’. One more civil servant.

“A Slytherin administration would provide an alternative. We’d open up study of the Dark Arts, train British Death Eaters to be the best in the world, and remove restrictions on unforgivable curses. Potter is yesterday’s news. Let’s get Britain moving!”

Hufflepuff Donna Sheridan said: “To be fair Potter is a twat.”