I should never have trusted a Gavin, says May

THERESA May has admitted the whole defence secretary sacking is her fault because she was foolish enough to trust a Gavin.

The prime minister violated the most important rule in politics, business or relationships because she was desperate for cabinet ministers, but it ended as it was always going to.

May said: “I thought this Gavin would be different. I was wrong.

“Everyone knows that the name Gavin is only bestowed upon those destined to disappoint us in life, as a warning to all they may encounter. It’s even horrible to say. It sounds like a small venomous snake.

“And no sooner had this particular Gavin wheedled his way into government than he began fucking up, culminating in a betrayal staggering for its sheer ineptitude. Staggering, unless you remember he is a Gavin.”

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “There aren’t even any famous Gavins apart from that one who cheated on Charlotte Church, proving the rule.

“Get rid of a Gavin today. You’ll be glad you did.”

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Has the internet turned you into a weirdo?

THE internet has made all sorts of strange behaviour normal, but has it turned you into a creepy online weirdo too? Take our test and find out.

A minor TV celebrity says something you disagree with. What do you do?

A) Nothing. It’s a free country.

B) Email the BBC – it’s always the BBC – demanding they are sacked and set up a Facebook page entitled ‘Chris Packham Is A Bastard’ or similar. Then allude to murdering them on Twitter even though you have no intention of doing so. This is perfectly normal.

How do you read articles online?

A) Just as you would a printed article, maybe leaving a comment ‘below the line’.

B) Glance at the headline and jump straight into the comments section with furious opinions that have nothing to do with the article, then call the author a ‘fucking idiot’ while spelling their name wrongly.

What do you consider to be an enjoyable evening?

A) Drinks with friends and maybe a meal.

B) Discussing how to start a guerrilla campaign against ‘NWO global fascism’ at 2am with people calling themselves ‘NoMindKontrol’ or ‘White_Liberator_18’, who may be pathetic fantasists like yourself or genuine nutters.

What do you think about women?

A) Slightly odd question. They are too diverse a group of people to generalise about.

B) Feminazis want to emasculate men by not going out with them, so you should email death threats to any mildly feminist woman to stop them doing heinous things like putting female scientists on £5 notes.

Someone online has slightly different political views to you. What do you do?

A) Have a robust debate without getting personal.

B) Immediately accuse them of being ‘Blairite scum’ or ‘another rich Tory who wants to kill the disabled’, despite the fact that you would probably get on fine in real life.

Mostly As: You are still normal. Try not to get into 4chan or Daily Telegraph comments.

Mostly Bs: Stay off the internet for a bit. If nothing else you’re probably too much of a dick to send death threats if you have to pay 70p for a stamp and an envelope.