Most jobs a piece of piss

A MAJOR employment study has proved that most employment in the UK is an absolute piece of piss. 

The study, which looked at manual, office and creative jobs at all levels, concluded that pretty much anyone could do them with a month’s training maximum because they are largely sitting about.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Pay doesn’t make much difference. Sector doesn’t make much difference. In the majority of positions, the hardest thing is looking busy for eight hours a day.

“Think about the people you work with. Are they good at their jobs? Are they bright? Are they energetic? Or are they thick, lazy bastards who still get paid, like everyone else?

“And whether or not you believe your job is hard has an inverse relation to the measurable difficulty of the position. So the most vocal complainers actually have the piss-easiest roles.

“Obviously some jobs are hard, like doctors, deep-sea fishermen, Amazon’s warehouse staff, etcetera, but you don’t do one of those jobs, do you?

“If you work in an office, a shop, are a plumber or pretty much anything else, your job is pretty fucking easy and you should just admit it.”

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How to make your city centre flat less terrifyingly claustrophobic

IS IT cool to live in the big city but only possible in a tiny flat? Here’s how to adjust to your Lilliputian living quarters. 

Buy dolls’ house furniture

Even the smallest studio seems enormous if your chairs are only five inches tall. However your social gatherings for dolls, and especially the endless bloody small talk, may cause some loss of mind.

Imagine no possessions

Set up a storage unit as a walk-in wardrobe, kitchen storage and leisure activity access facility, and put everything you own there. Swing by twice a day to pick up what you need – it’s only a 40-minute bus journey out of your way, and think of the space you’ll have.

Bonsai pets

Invasive cats and boisterous dogs make small flats feel like the world’s shittest petting zoo. Opt for very small pets, such as a stag beetle, ant or computer virus. Be careful when you’re stroking them not to slam your elbow against a wall.

Never spend any time there

Get breakfast out, lunch out, booze out and spend hours in coffee shops with your laptop. So financially crippling you’ll barely be able to afford rent on your tiny flat you’re never in.

Paint a spacious living room on your wall

Turn your pokey living room-kitchen-office into a grand salon with a clever trompe l’oeil painting creating the illusion of a cavernous space. Then run into it again and again like Wile E Coyote.

Move somewhere else

Not as fashionable as city living, but may ultimately be preferable to paying £1,200 a month to effectively live in a prison cell without drugs.