Man still fixated on older sister's friend who got off with him in 1989

A MAN still asks his older sister loaded questions about her friend Jenny who snogged him for a laugh 30 years ago. 

46-year-old Nathan Muir never fails to visit his sister Emma without asking ‘And how is Jenny these days?’ then staring wistfully out of the window as if pining for what might have been.

Emma said: “Nathan’s been with the same girl for 12 years. They’ve got a kid. But still he wants to know all about who Jenny’s with and how she’s doing these days and have I got any recent pictures of her on my phone.

“He’s hinted before that he’d walk out on his relationship if Jenny was interested, which is the most batshit insane thing I’ve ever heard.

“Seriously, you got off with her once for the duration of a Cure song. I dared her to after four Diamond Whites because I thought it’d be funny. It’s time to move on.”

Nathan Muir said: “There’ll never be another Jenny, not for me. Her subsequent relationships, two marriages and four children are nothing to what we shared together.

“I just want to feel the way I felt that night again. She let me put my hand up her T-shirt.”

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More beers to announce they are disgusting

FOLLOWING Carlsberg’s brave admission that it is probably not at all nice, other foul beers are publically confessing that they are swill. 

Unpopular brands like Foster’s, Budweiser and Tennent’s are filming multi-million pound ads condemning their beer as undrinkable piss in the hope that Britons will reward them for their refreshing honesty.

A spokesman for the British Beer and Pub Association said: “There’s an amnesty on crimes against beer, and we plan to take full advantage.

“Carling’s new campaign stars Brad Pitt spitting a mouthful of their unholy brew into a gutter, and Stella Artois’s new slogan is ‘A grim chore that gets you pissed’.

“‘Hoppy’ or a ‘refined taste’ were nothing but lies. The truth is that a significant part of the production process is us drawing straws to see who has the taste the latest batch of mulch.”

Emma Bradford said: “Most beer sold in Britain tastes like backwash mixed with weedkiller.

“I’ll have a Becks. Well you don’t drink it for the taste.”