I won, so Binface now faces a parliamentary investigation over a £5m donation. That is how elections work

14th August 2026

I TRIUMPHED in the Clacton by-election, therefore Count Binface must face the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Because that is democracy in action.

It is he, as the Clacton loser, who must answer questions about a £5m gift from a convicted fraudster. He who must explain why that same fraudster’s mother donated millions to Reform. He will face the grilling.

Frankly I can’t wait. After all the trouble he’s caused, the day when this metal miscreant is dragged away by police and forced to give straight answers – was the money a gift? Spent on security? Where are the receipts? – has been a long time coming.

And when, as I suspect, he cannot answer to the police’s satisfaction, I look forward to him facing the consequences. A recall election, his replacement by a younger, hungrier Binface, and prison. It is what he deserves.

To those who say ‘but it was you who received the £5 million’, allow me to introduce you to an English institution called democracy. One in which the people of Clacton, representing the whole UK, have just taken part.

They decided, resoundingly, that I am not guilty of any crime, misdemeanour or malfeasance. This jury of all that is good and true about Britain voted overwhelmingly to assign my so-called ‘crimes’ to Binface.

He knew that was the deal when he put himself up for election. Winner takes all. Loser takes the blame. Hope the metal hat’s still funny when you’re doing life inside.

And if I have fundamentally misunderstood the whole process, I shall hold another by-election and when I win my interpretation will be vindicated and made law. Because that is how elections work.

Six annoying traits of your partner that are particularly fun on holiday

14th August 2026

IS your holiday is a gruelling test of your love for your partner? Here are some behaviours you wish they’d saved for when you’re not in their company 24/7 after spending a fortune.

Sulking

Sulking is childish and annoying at the best of times, but worse if it’s over some trivial holiday thing like not wanting to buy a hideous souvenir donkey. If the relationship isn’t too serious you may even feel they’re a pain the arse you should split up with. Although you won’t be telling them immediately, because it’s nice to have someone to eat sardines with and shag on holiday.

Total lack of basic planning skills

It’s clearly hot, so did they bring a bottle of water? No. Let’s go back to that shop you pointed out earlier which sold it. They didn’t bring sunscreen either? Well, it’s the last thing you’d think of when going to the beach. Their sunglasses are back at the hotel, so can they borrow yours? Of course, my sweet… and so the irritation builds until you’re scared to go up that historic tower in case you push them off it.

Unadventurous eating

It’s rare that food on holiday is wildly exotic – you’re hardly likely to be served a whole fried monkey in the Algarve. The problem arises when your partner hates food not totally sanitised like in Sainsbury’s, and is horrified and disgusted by a fish having a head. Don’t worry, you’ll speak to the waiter and get them to turn it into oblongs in breadcrumbs.

Pointless money-saving

On holiday you’ve got to accept a fair bit of unplanned expenditure in the name of spontaneity and having a good time. However your partner may feel a holiday you’ve already spent thousands on is a good time to economise on minor costs. And who doesn’t love debating at length whether your should purchase each individual ice cream?

Worthy interests

It’s traditional on holiday to do worthy things you don’t do at home like visiting a cathedral. That’s probably why they’ve all got gargoyles – to alleviate the boredom. However there’s a limit, and you really don’t want your partner to suddenly discover a deep interest in wine production or local history. If they’re that interested in the Moorish conquest of the Iberian Peninsula they should have gone on holiday with David Starkey.

Personal habits

Snorting, making a clicking sound with your tongue, picking your nose and other such habits are tolerable occasionally. However on holiday you’re with your beloved constantly so those little irritations are magnified to the size of Jupiter. Has a boyfriend ever been beaten to death with an espadrille because he kept sniffing? It’s likely. The Spanish courts probably don’t even consider it an offence.