Iain Duncan Smith's sociopathic guide to ending lockdown

THE economy must return to growth. The human cost is immaterial. Former cabinet minister and rōnin Iain Duncan Smith outlines his uncompromising plans.

Abandon two-metre distancing

A large proportion of society is expendable. Benefits claimants, artists, the weak. Allow coronavirus to take its course, strip out the deadwood and emerge stronger as a nation. I go into this in more detail in my new book, My Challenge.

Legalise weekly murder

I saw a very intelligent and thought-provoking sociological text recently, The Purge. An outpouring of community spirit and wonderful exercise. If anyone needs a katana or garrotting wire, I keep a stock.

Compulsory mass gatherings

The public should be compelled to attend horse racing, music concerts, gay darkrooms and so on. Why? A military man like me knows you close on the enemy and get stuck in. Don’t show weakness and it’ll cut and run.

Drafting care home residents

Care home residents deserve to live out their last as productive citizens. Working on oil rigs, as prison officers or simply operating heavy machinery would give them their dignity back.

Court-martial teachers

Leftie teachers are agents of a foreign power: COVID-19. What they are doing – so far nothing – is treason. I’m not suggesting firing squads for all teachers, just a few televised special events on The One Show, in a special report by Emma Willis.

Scorched Britain policy

If people refuse to return to normal, flush them out of lockdown by setting fire to their homes. Lead an angry mob. Overturn a few cars. Open shops yourselves, by force.

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Captain Tom to be made Prince Andrew

THE Queen is to make Captain Tom Moore Duke of York and eighth in line to the throne, replacing the former Prince Andrew. 

The centenarian charity campaigner will be given the former Royal’s HRH title and be made vice-admiral of the Royal Navy, Earl of Inverness, and Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter in recognition of his clear moral superiority over the previous incumbent.

A Buckingham Palace insider said: “As far as Her Majesty’s concerned this position’s been vacant for some time. It’s just the person in it wasn’t yet aware.

“Anyway he’s gone and Captain Tom, who’s a far more suitable choice and beloved of Britain, is replacing him in every aspect.

“And not just minor stuff like Chancellor of Huddersfield University. He’s now officially Charles’s younger brother, uncle to William and father to Beatrice and Eugenie. They couldn’t be more pleased.

“He’s moving into the Royal Lodge and its 98-acre grounds at Windsor this weekend. The last bloke’s been given forty quid and the address of a bail hostel in Slough.”