If Boris cancels my son's sh*tty nativity play, he's got my vote

By father-of-three Tom Logan

I HAVE been a left-winger all my life. I vehemently oppose Brexit. But if Boris Johnson’s December 12th election cancels my six-year-old son’s nativity play, he has my full support. 

My son Oscar’s primary school is a polling station. His performance as Balthazar (Third Wise Man) is scheduled for that very day. And, like any loving parent, I am absolutely dreading it. 

It’s not just a normal nativity. It’s got songs in it. It’s got the school orchestra. I am reliably informed they’ve shoehorned in a street dance section. It will, I am confident, make me want to die. 

And Oscar, bless him, is no actor. He isn’t even much of a reader. I’m afraid that he won’t get through his line and will either cry or have a little accident right there on the stage. 

But Boris Johnson can stop this. With his desperate election, right in the middle of the Christmas shopping period to reduce voter turn-out, he can save my Christmas. 

The school will be closed. It’ll be too late to reschedule. The whole thing will simply be cancelled, and I will walk into that booth and vote Tory for the first time in my 42 years with a light and happy heart.

Though, equally, if Swinson and Corbyn can get it together to hold a second referendum on December 16th I can promise them my Remain vote and that of my wife. 

The eldest’s appearing as Bob Cratchit in A Christmas Carol that day, you see. It’s going to be f**king dreadful. 


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New fathers reluctant to spend time with constantly screeching bag of shit

NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that more than 50% of fathers were reluctant to take time off insisting they wanted to keep their work-life balance firmly on the work side because it was relatively quiet and had a more bearable stench.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There are issues surrounding paternity pay and the ability to maintain one’s career momentum but mainly it’s the colossal amounts of shit and piss and a wife that wants you dead.”

Tom Logan, from Doncaster said: “My employer has been incredibly supportive and has assured me that I could take all the time off I needed. But I said, no, absolutely not, no way, there is absolutely no fucking way that is happening.”

He added: “I would love to be at home with my wife and child, but at this stage it is absolutely vital that I get as much time as I need to bond with my desk.”

Roy Hobbs, the father of a three week-old piss machine from Hatfield, said: “I do want to spend quality time with my child which is why I have arranged to have lunch with him as soon as he graduates from university.”