'Sober October' smugness better than alcohol, says woman who barely drinks

A WOMAN who cut a tiny amount of alcohol out of her life has discovered that being a self-righteous goody-goody is a much better buzz.

During ‘Sober October’, Francesca Johnson has replaced her usual three or four glasses of wine a month with the pleasurable effects of lecturing other people about their drinking.

Johnson, 35, said: “The hit of pure smugness that enters my bloodstream when I put my hand over my glass as a friend tries to pour me some wine is far better than booze.

“I particularly enjoy telling people they should be able to enjoy themselves without alcohol, then watching their faces as they worry about having a drink problem and realise I am better than them.

“Sober October has been a challenge, definitely. It’s been hard to give up the miniscule amount of red wine I drink to not look like the total control freak that I am.


During her month of increased sobriety, Johnson has even given up the overpriced organic Shiraz from Waitrose she only buys to impress people.

Husband Ian said: “After spending a month totally sober with Francesca lecturing me about how much healthier I must feel I’m thinking of doing ‘Bender November’.”

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Seven things some weird bastard is definitely stealing from your house

DO random everyday objects always seem to go missing from your house? Here are seven things some weird bastard burglar is definitely stealing.

Tupperware lids. Not the tubs, just the lids because this weird bastard loves to imagine your suffering when you realise you can’t cover up that leftover lasagne.

Scissors. Have you ever wondered why the scissors are never in the scissor drawer when you need them, yet turn up as soon as you buy a new pair? It’s because the strange burglar is toying with you.

The Sellotape. Probably taken with the scissors. Somewhere there is a cheeky thief wrapping loads of presents at your expense. A thief with the stealth skills of a ninja.

Hairbands. You buy a bumper pack of 100 hairbands. Three days later they are ALL gone. Bar the one on your wrist you will take to the grave. Clearly the burglar has a lot of hair.

Socks. But just one from each pair to really mess with your head. The burglar clearly likes playing sadistic mind games, or doesn’t mind wearing odd socks.

The radiator key. Even though every time you bleed the radiator you put the key ‘somewhere safe’ for next time, the bastard burglar always finds it. 

Painkillers. As an added sick twist the burglar always waits until you have a splitting headache to steal them. WHY AREN’T THE POLICE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?