If you listen closely you can hear the Tories crashing and burning

THE public has been informed that if they stand still and the wind is blowing in the right direction, they will actually be able to hear the Conservative party imploding.

Experts say the Tories are expected to perform so badly at today’s local elections that their defeat will be audible with the naked ear, provided atmospheric conditions are right and you take your AirPods out for once.

Professor of politics Norman Steele said: “The sound of the Conservatives collapsing is a rare and quite beautiful phenomenon which puts solar eclipses and the aurora borealis to shame.

“As comforting as rain drumming on the roof of a tent, more seismic than huge chunks of the Antarctic ice sheet crashing into the sea, we even have foreign visitors travelling to the UK just to hear it.

“Listen out for a faint murmur of doomed wailing coming from the direction of Blackpool, Basildon or Gloucester. That’s a sure sign the spectacularly disastrous rout is underway.

“This could build into a powerful hum of despair and denial if Bolton and Milton Keynes vote Labour. And possibly a loud bang similar to a sonic boom if Kent County Council turns red. If you live in those areas it might be worth having some ear protectors to hand.”

He added: “Of course, if Reform does unexpectedly well the anguish will be universal and deafening.”

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