Johnson places advert for mistress in Times

BORIS Johnson has placed an advertisement for the vacant position of mistress to the prime minister in the Sunday Times. 

It reads: ‘Mistress needed for insatiable politician and philanderer, three-syllable first names a plus, pole-dancing experience a must. Reply Whitehall.’

Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster and trim co-ordinator Michael Gove said: “Congratulations to Boris on his marriage to the love of his life, Carrie Symonds. Right. To business.

“A vacancy has been created in the Downing Street staff, and we aim to fill it vigorously and frequently.

“Young ladies with History of Art degrees should take this opportunity but all are welcome, even Americans in Union Jack bikinis. The rewards include notoriety, lucrative IT or PPE contracts and a possible bastard.

“There were over 100,000 applications for Love Island 2021 and this is a far more prestigious position. Send nudes.”

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Woman texting 'en route!' is in bath

A WOMAN who has messaged implying she is mere moments away from a rendezvous sent it from the bath.

Nikki Hollis agreed to attend a 6pm birthday celebration at a cocktail bar, and then watched Netflix in bed until 15 minutes before she was due to arrive.

Friend Lucy Parry said: “The reservation isn’t until half-six but I told her the wrong time as I’m well aware that a text saying ‘5 mins tops’ means Nikki is still wearing her pyjamas.

“She’ll be ’round the corner’ for a good half hour. Then the story will switch to a late Uber that gets stuck in rush hour traffic, even though that doesn’t exist because of the pandemic.

“And then she’ll breeze in with a bit of shopping she’s picked up, and act as if she hasn’t ruined the whole night because we’ve only got the table for two hours and it’s too late to order any food.

“Why am I friends with her? Good f**king question.”

Hollis said: “Almost there, babes!”