BORIS Johnson has placed an advertisement for the vacant position of mistress to the prime minister in the Sunday Times.
It reads: ‘Mistress needed for insatiable politician and philanderer, three-syllable first names a plus, pole-dancing experience a must. Reply Whitehall.’
Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster and trim co-ordinator Michael Gove said: “Congratulations to Boris on his marriage to the love of his life, Carrie Symonds. Right. To business.
“A vacancy has been created in the Downing Street staff, and we aim to fill it vigorously and frequently.
“Young ladies with History of Art degrees should take this opportunity but all are welcome, even Americans in Union Jack bikinis. The rewards include notoriety, lucrative IT or PPE contracts and a possible bastard.
“There were over 100,000 applications for Love Island 2021 and this is a far more prestigious position. Send nudes.”