Johnson to try it on with the Queen

BORIS Johnson is giving serious consideration to chatting up the Queen with an eye to giving her one, he has confessed. 

Johnson will be asked by the monarch to form a government but is expected to take a run at the ‘world’s poshest totty’.

He said: “Yes, she’s not as young as she used to be but if it moves and it’s got a cut-glass accent, I’ll nail it.

“I’ll do the clown act, then hit her with lingering eye contact and a classy line like, ‘I bet more chaps have spaffed over you than Helen of Troy’.”

Historian Denys Finch-Hatton said: “A statute dating back to Queen Elizabeth I’s time allows the monarch to have her lovers put to death.

“After they’ve been tortured a bit and had their severed testicles fed to the ravens at the Tower of London.”

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Iain Duncan Smith to return as Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You

IAIN Duncan Smith is to return to government as the Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You.

The former work and pensions secretary will also take charge of Long Creepy Fingers, Deep Dark Forests and Spiders.

He said: “As well as my lovely smile, I want to bring my own approach to this job. So it will not be about creeping up behind you and then shouting ‘boo!’.

“I want to creep up behind you and then say something very quietly, such as ‘I know where you live’ or ‘You’ve been very naughty’.

“It’s much, much more unnerving and that’s what Britain needs in this time of uncertainty.”

He added: “I also want to create more life chances for people with long creepy fingers. I want every child to spend some time alone in a deep, dark forest and I want to put a massive, terrifying spider in every home.”