Friday, 6th December 2019

Johnson to try it on with the Queen

BORIS Johnson is giving serious consideration to chatting up the Queen with an eye to giving her one, he has confessed. 

Johnson will be asked by the monarch to form a government but is expected to take a run at the 'world’s poshest totty'.

He said: “Yes, she’s not as young as she used to be but if it moves and it’s got a cut-glass accent, I’ll nail it.

“I’ll do the clown act, then hit her with lingering eye contact and a classy line like, ‘I bet more chaps have spaffed over you than Helen of Troy’.”

Historian Denys Finch-Hatton said: “A statute dating back to Queen Elizabeth I’s time allows the monarch to have her lovers put to death.

“After they’ve been tortured a bit and had their severed testicles fed to the ravens at the Tower of London.”