'Just any sandwiches' clarifies Sunak

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We ask you: are you planning to vote Conservative out of pity?

THE Conservatives are begging the electorate to restrict Labour’s majority so they can leave government without crying. Will you give them your pity vote? 

Norman Steele, Uber driver: “I would, but I wouldn’t want them to accidentally win.”

Hannah Tomlinson, teacher: “No, but I am willing to write ‘good luck and best wishes!’ on my voting slip tomorrow. That was a great comfort to my colleague when I got her fired.”

Steve Malley, plasterer: “Yeah, how is it that Rishi’s so petite and doll-like with those big pleading eyes but isn’t cute in the slightest? So no.”

Lucy Parry, student: “I’m already giving Keir Starmer my pity vote, as in ‘pity I can’t vote for someone actually left f**king wing’.”

Martin Bishop, slum landlord: “I will. But really it’s myself I’m pitying.”