Leaving the fridge door open: the next five smear campaigns coming Angela Rayner's way

THE police have dropped their probe into Angela Rayner’s council house, but that doesn’t mean she’s off the hook. These five smear campaigns will hit her any day now.

Leaving the fridge door open

Thanks to a tip off from her old housemate, the Conservatives can confirm that Angela Rayner once left the fridge door open for a few seconds before saying ‘whoops’ and pushing it shut with her rear end. If the deputy leader of the opposition shows such a flagrant disregard for energy use and door closing etiquette, how can she be trusted to level up the nation’s housing? Expect this scandal to dominate the front page of the Mail for the rest of the election.

Using the big light

A particularly damning bombshell that threatens to hand victory to the Conservatives come July 4th. Rather than using a few soft table lamps to illuminate her council house, Rayner prefers to use the blinding big light as it helps her to see better. Police are currently poised to crash through her windows and catch her in the midst of this heinous crime.

Putting jam on a scone before cream

During a tour of the south west, Rayner was spotted breaking protocol and basic public decency by inappropriately spreading a layer of jam onto a scone before heaping on a dollop of clotted cream. Several onlookers are still traumatised by Rayner’s disgusting behaviour, however she has managed to clinch overwhelming support from Cornish voters.

Opening an umbrella indoors in 2008

It may have only been for a few seconds as she prepared to step out of a Cafe Nero and into heavy rain, but it still counts. In fact this one act of bad luck probably triggered the recession and led to the steady rise of nationalism all over the world. Every misfortune or annoyance that has come your way ever since can be traced back to this flouting of superstition, so she should be banged up forever.

Accidentally saying ‘expresso’ instead of ‘espresso’

This isn’t just a slip of the tongue, it’s a bacon-sandwich-level gaffe. By stumbling over her words, Angela Rayner has exposed herself as an uneducated commoner who must not be let anywhere near the levers of power. The people of Britain want Latin-spouting billionaires who are out of touch with reality to run this country, and nothing less will do.

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Woman unwinds before bed by watching 4,326 short videos

A WOMAN likes to relax into sleep after her usual healthy wind down routine of watching several thousand 30-second videos on her phone. 

After a long day at work, Eleanor Shaw, 36, finds nothing more soothing than curling up in bed and watching a literally endless stream of online content on an intensely bright electronic device.

She said: “I find the best way to switch off my brain is by bombarding it with a monumental amount of sounds, images and information. You know, the sort of quantity that would outright kill a Victorian child.

“It doesn’t even really matter what the videos are. Memes, dances, make-up tutorials, cooking videos, clips from podcasts, they all blur into one long stream of senseless nonsense once you’ve mindlessly scrolled enough of them.

“People say I’d be better off reading, but once you’ve tried TikTok there’s no going back. Why would I settle down with a boring old black-and-white book when I have an unlimited supply of videos designed for children and people with dangerously low attention spans?

“I know I shouldn’t really be on my phone right before going to sleep, but what’s the alternative? Lying there with my own thoughts? No f**king thank you.”