Let's drag this f**ker out, Britain agrees

THE UK has agreed that the long, slow demise of Boris Johnson should be as long, as slow and as enjoyable as possible.

Yesterday’s resignation of Javid and Sunak is merely a delicious hors d’oeuvres to the prime minister’s thrashing, helpless downfall, savoured by all those who want to watch the bastard suffer.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “How perfect that it happened just in time for the evening meal. What exquisite timing. No need to rush this when we don’t want to miss a moment.

“Nobody cares about those two pricks. They’re merely the tipping point, a signal to the whole nation that the main course of humiliation is being seasoned for our delectation.

“Of course I want Boris gone, who doesn’t? Even solid Tories in the shires have had enough. But now it’s inevitable, we can afford to relish it.

“There’s so much more to come. Ideally it’ll take weeks if not months of desperate flailing, of false dawns where the deluded twat thinks he can actually get away with it before the next crippling blow. We’ve got a whole summer of this. Mmm.

“Let the men in grey suits stay their hands. Let him cling on feverishly to his power as it slips away. This is the best excuse to drink on a work night we’ve had since Covid.”

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Six bands ruined by the lead singer's hat

LEAD singers already get all the attention without the need for headwear. These six bands cannot be appreciated musically because of a hat: 

Jamiroquai

The irrefutable chief of distracting head nonsense is Jay Kay, lead singer of 90s eco-funksters Jamiroquai. Despite the catchiness of their tunes, his many hits, and his car-loving Top-Gear-dad appeal, all that anyone remembers about the prick is his needlessly massive band-obscuring hats. They will be his only legacy.

Curiosity Killed The Cat

Rivals to Bros in the 1980s, they flamed out after the world noticed lead singer Ben Volpeliere-Pierrot’s Lego-like hat. Experts believe it is not a conventional beret, which would be bad enough, but a Greek fisherman’s hat perched on backwards. Combined with his dance style and fancy name it was enough to see them deliberately forgotten.

AC/DC

Upon hearing the music of the legendary rockers you’d assume Brian Johnson to be of classic rock stock: a youthful, head-banging, dynamic attention-magnet wearing no hat. The cloth-cap wearing bloke that knows your dad from the allotments and visits the pub on a Friday night with a meat tray comes as an unwelcome surprise.

Badly Drawn Boy

Mancunian singer-songwriter with a number of great songs you’d love to hear, until you remember which one he is. The one who always, without exception, wears a Benny-from-Crossroads woolly hat. And once you remember the hat the hat’s all you can remember, until you turn off the album by the singing hat.

Limp Bizkit

Fred Durst loved a baseball hat: whether right way round to obscure his piercings and goatee, or backwards to let us see the full glory. It was a welcome distraction from his band’s nu-metal and made him the face of the entire scene. Which was a scene widely hated both then and since, not least because of that twat in the baseball hat.

Guns N’ Roses

Slash’s top hat and perpetually smouldering cigarette were cool, but Axl? Frequently wore a bandana, or even more than one, and then put a baseball hat over the top. Why? What possible reason could there be for wearing so many head coverings? What level of drug use causes a man to look in the mirror and think ‘You know what? I can rock a third hat’?