Let's finish with a sexy prime minister, say Tories

RIGHT-WING Conservative MPs are secretly plotting to make Penny Mordaunt leader so the party can go out on a sexy high, it has emerged.

With defeat all but certain come the election, the right of the party sees no reason why it should not indulge itself by finishing 14 years in power with a sword-hefting hottie to leave the electorate with a lustful last impression.

Joseph Turner, member for Reigate, said: “Why not? We’ve indulged ourselves in every other way. Let’s put a pin-up girl in Number Ten.

“We don’t want to be remembered for our policies or actions, so get Penny in and we’ll be thought of as the party of busty valkyries who throw off gold-embroidered robes to reveal swimsuits. We’ll secure the dad vote for generations.

“Grenfell, Partygate, Truss, will be forgotten. Could the cost of living crisis really have been so bad under the rule of a solid eight, they’ll wonder. Even with Carol Vorderman the left can’t compete with Penny.

“We’ve had the green posho prime minister, the scowling headmistress, the libidinous blonde schoolboy, the lettuce and the number-crunching consultant. But Britain has the horn for imperious blondes in Naval uniforms, and we have a duty to our country.”

He added: “Imagine it, a prime minister you could feasibly rub one out to. Talk about smashing the glass ceiling.”

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Princess of Wales seen by witnesses who are immediately killed

THE Princess of Wales has been sighted by two witnesses who were allowed to recount the encounter before being led away by Special Branch. 

The witnesses, who will remain unnamed in their unmarked graves, claim to have seen the princess popping to a farm shop looking ‘relaxed, happy and healthy’, in words which serve as a fine final testament.

A Palace spokesman said: “So there you are then, controversy over. You can’t say she’s not okay without contradicting these witnesses which would be insensitive, considering.

“Did they take photographs of Kate browsing the artisan sausage rolls? No. Will they give their names? No. Does this definitively prove that Kate is absolutely fine once and for all? Yes, so their sacrifice was not in vain.

“William was there and shared a special moment with the witnesses, where he gave them printed copies of their statement and urged them ‘not to f**k this up’, with that delightful feeling for ordinary people that he has.

“So they saw the Princess, they made their statements, they left accompanied by their minders and a few minutes later the double-thump of silenced gunshots and bodies hitting earth washed over the shop’s award-winning selection of small batch cheeses.”

Royalist Bill McKay said: “So that’s settled. I don’t want to cross William, he’s got a nasty temper and he lashes out.”