BREXIT is such a massive fuck-up that Theresa May is quitting politics for a less stressful life working in Aldi.
After spending several weeks trying to stop MPs fighting over deals that will never exist, May is resigning to retrain as a store assistant at an Aldi in Bracknell.
May said: “As you might have noticed from my constant strained grimace and cack-handed bungling of everything I do, I’m finding Brexit to be a total fucking nightmare.
“Stacking shelves at Aldi doesn’t have the same glamour as being PM, but I think there’ll be more job satisfaction in neatly lining up packets of ‘So Malty’ malt loaf than shafting the UK and being hated by everyone forever.
“I’m also looking forward to being able to relax in the evening, rather than nervously refreshing the BBC News website in case Boris has told the Indian finance minister we’ve got the recipe for curry now.
“And of course I’ll get first dibs on all the treasures in the middle aisle. They’ve got inflatable kayaks this week, you know.”
May’s Aldi supervisor Donna Sheridan said: “Theresa came in this week to start learning the ropes but she put dog food in the toothbrush section. How the fuck do you manage that?”