Michael Gove kept in cabinet to spite Britain

MICHAEL Gove has kept his position in the cabinet to punish Britain, Boris Johnson has confirmed. 

The goggle-eyed former coke-snorter has been catastrophically bad as education secretary, justice secretary and environment secretary, but has remained in the cabinet to teach us that he is no more than we deserve. 

The prime minister said: “I’d love to sack Michael. I hate him. He’s a repulsive, slimy, backstabbing sewer rat. But I’m not getting rid of him and neither are you. 

“I can think of no better expression of my contempt for this country than to keep Gove’s webbed hands on the levers of power. Teachers still hate him from 2014. You don’t throw away a talent like that. 

“He will still be sent out to defend the government’s policies on telly when I can’t be bothered. He will still slither around parliament like a pool of oil. And ultimately he will have the full blame for Brexit pinned upon him. 

“Until then, Michael stays. And when you see him and think ‘Somebody up there hates us’, yes. That’s the point.” 

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Five Facebook types you'll never stop hate-following

THESE days Facebook is only used to keep an eye on people you hate. So who are they and why are they so awful you’ll never unfollow them?

The emotional blackmailer. This guy regularly posts useful awareness messages about cancer treatment and mental health – but ruins this caring gesture by implying that if you don’t repost them, you’re the scum of the earth. 

The ‘friend’ you’ve known since you were four. Actually you’d have completely forgotten her if it wasn’t for the friendship life-support system Facebook. She tediously responds to everything you post with ‘Can’t believe I’ve known you since I was 4!’ and several heart emojis, which might explain why she hasn’t got any proper friends.

The animal rights activist. She posts daily videos of distressed livestock and her ‘yummy vegan dinner’. She reckons her okra crumble with nut cheese sprinkle looks delicious, not realising her propaganda is turning you into a militant carnivore.

Humblebrag housewife. Pretends to be taking pictures of her kids, but leaves the shots incredibly wide so you can see her massive barn conversion. Think you’re looking at a shot of young Finley baking cupcakes? No. It’s a coded, sneering message saying “Our kitchen is bigger than your tragic little shoebox of a house”.

‘Entrepreneur’ friend. She sells moisturiser and weird vitamin powders in what is clearly a pyramid scheme, but makes out it’s a successful business. She’d happily scam you into buying anti-ageing ‘serum’ that’s just sugar syrup and lies, so you’re quite happy to read her DMs about how awful her life really is.