The selfish bastard's guide to leaving your engine running

CAN’T be bothered to turn your car engine off while your partner goes shopping for 40 minutes? Here’s how to explain why you’re being such a selfish bastard.

It’s too cold for my delicate little body

If you have a frail elderly person you’re driving home from hospital in the back and have stopped off for medical supplies, this is acceptable. If you’ve gone out in February wearing a t-shirt and flip-flops, you are simply a twat.

I need the air conditioning on so I don’t get heatstroke

If it’s a hot day and you’ve chosen to sit inside a metal box on a melting tarmac surface you don’t deserve air conditioning. Go and stand under a tree, you idiot.

It helps with the tough job of defrosting the windscreen

Just scrape it with your credit card like everyone else. And if you leave the engine running and go back inside to warm up you definitely deserve to have your car stolen.

I need to charge my phone so I can watch Hollyoaks

If you’ve allowed your other half to go and do the weekly shop on their own while you sit in the car park watching crap on your phone, you don’t deserve a partner. Or a car. Or even a terrible soap opera set in Chester, for some reason.

I don’t give a shit about anyone except myself

You don’t care if children choke on your exhaust fumes and couldn’t give a toss about global warming, but at least you’re honest about it. At home you probably turn your central heating right up then open the windows, just to tell the environment to f**k off.

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Man who claims to hate unelected bureaucrats loving Dominic Cummings

A MAN who wanted the UK to be rid of unelected decision-makers is into everything that Boris Johnson’s advisor says and does.

Roy Hobbs, who has spent three-and-a-half years droning on about ‘taking back control’, is thrilled that an odd little goblin who no one voted for is now in charge of the country.

Hobbs said: “I don’t know who he is or where he’s come from, but the press make him seem really important and Boris likes him so he must be a wicked bloke.

“I know he never stood for election, and therefore it might sound hypocritical to want him to make big decisions just because I agree with his loopy right-wing nonsense.

“But Brexit’s done now and I’m bored of my democratic rights. Also it’s funny that he wears a bobble hat inside Downing Street. What a legend.”

Hobbs added: “When I said I didn’t want ‘unelected bureaucrats’ in charge what I actually meant was ‘foreigners’.”