CAN’T be bothered to turn your car engine off while your partner goes shopping for 40 minutes? Here’s how to explain why you’re being such a selfish bastard.
It’s too cold for my delicate little body
If you have a frail elderly person you’re driving home from hospital in the back and have stopped off for medical supplies, this is acceptable. If you’ve gone out in February wearing a t-shirt and flip-flops, you are simply a twat.
I need the air conditioning on so I don’t get heatstroke
If it’s a hot day and you’ve chosen to sit inside a metal box on a melting tarmac surface you don’t deserve air conditioning. Go and stand under a tree, you idiot.
It helps with the tough job of defrosting the windscreen
Just scrape it with your credit card like everyone else. And if you leave the engine running and go back inside to warm up you definitely deserve to have your car stolen.
I need to charge my phone so I can watch Hollyoaks
If you’ve allowed your other half to go and do the weekly shop on their own while you sit in the car park watching crap on your phone, you don’t deserve a partner. Or a car. Or even a terrible soap opera set in Chester, for some reason.
I don’t give a shit about anyone except myself
You don’t care if children choke on your exhaust fumes and couldn’t give a toss about global warming, but at least you’re honest about it. At home you probably turn your central heating right up then open the windows, just to tell the environment to f**k off.