Mum has crap without being disturbed

A WOMAN is celebrating having a crap without her two young children insisting on keeping her company throughout the entire process.

Eleanor Shaw was able to enjoy the experience of evacuating her bowels without a small, noisy audience staring at her for the first time in four years.

Shaw said: “It was bliss. You don’t appreciate what a pleasure having a sh*t in peace is until you can’t do it anymore due to never being left alone for one millisecond.

“I love my kids but they constantly talk rubbish about boring things like dinosaurs and Paw Patrol. It was pure joy being sure I’d comprehensively wiped my ar*e because I wasn’t distracted by questions like ‘Why can’t we see our own eyeballs?’.

“It turned out that the reason they were suspiciously quiet and fully occupied was because they were downstairs painting Tippex clothes on the people on the telly.

“We had to buy a new one but it was worth it.”

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The British person's guide to perpetual victimhood

ARE you convinced your life in a fairly average part of Britain is a waking nightmare? Here’s how to get the most out of your imaginary victimhood.

Be livid about trivial things 

Has the council sent you a leaflet nagging you about not putting food in the recycling bin? This is a personal insult as bad as calling your wife a fat cow or saying your car is ‘gay’.

Appear not to have a television or the internet

For example: if you live in the North, strongly believe there is no poverty in London or the South East. Places like Jaywick don’t exist, and the latest London gang violence was probably a turf war between rival merchant bankers.

Stay well-informed about your victimhood

Recommended media include: the Sun, Express, Mail, Telegraph, Brexit Facebook pages and deranged blogs with titles like ‘The Last White Man in Hereford’.

Hate anyone with a different job to you

Even if you’re comfortably off, assume everyone else is on a permanent skive while earning a fortune. Don’t bother to ask why doctors might earn more than an electrician. Everyone knows ‘daddy’ got them the job by putting a word in.

Everywhere else is amazing 

Don’t limit yourself to hating the South East – imagine that Manchester is a pretentious big city awash with public cash. Probably Hastings too. It sounds posh anyway. 

Use a strange definition of ‘victim’

‘Victim’ usually refers to people with actual problems, eg. they’ve been run over or murdered. Clearly this is nonsense – real victimhood is seeing an ethnic minority person doing the weather on TV.