Saturday, 4th April 2020

Mum has crap without being disturbed

A WOMAN is celebrating having a crap without her two young children insisting on keeping her company throughout the entire process.

Eleanor Shaw was able to enjoy the experience of evacuating her bowels without a small, noisy audience staring at her for the first time in four years.

Shaw said: “It was bliss. You don’t appreciate what a pleasure having a sh*t in peace is until you can’t do it anymore due to never being left alone for one millisecond.

“I love my kids but they constantly talk rubbish about boring things like dinosaurs and Paw Patrol. It was pure joy being sure I’d comprehensively wiped my ar*e because I wasn’t distracted by questions like ‘Why can’t we see our own eyeballs?’.

“It turned out that the reason they were suspiciously quiet and fully occupied was because they were downstairs painting Tippex clothes on the people on the telly.

“We had to buy a new one but it was worth it.”