The six properties you'll be horrified by when looking for a houseshare

LOOKING for a new place? Can’t afford blissful isolation? Then you’ll be recoiling in horror at what other people call home:

The animal house

What could be better than living alongside cats, dogs, rabbits and whatever squats malevolently in that vivarium? Yes, you’ll be constantly covered in hair, spend hundreds on takeaways rather than prepare food in that kitchen and worst of all will get used to the smell, but that’s all part of the fun.

The hippy house

Welcome to nirvana: there are guitars on the walls, buddhas everywhere and a general house ethos of ‘do whatever housework you’re comfortable with, man’. The wind chimes may well drive you insane before the condescending lecture about how you need to relax. Namaste.

The weirdly Ikea house

Let he who is without wonky flatpack furniture cast the first stone, sure, but this place is just unsettling. You’re either in the home of a tightwad with no imagination, or you’ve bumped your head in a branch of Ikea and gone into some sort of site-specific coma.

The mouldy basement flat

Not sure if subterranean living is for you? As you’re long as you’re not overly worried about damp, don’t mind respiratory problems and treat black mould on every wall as back-to-nature home decor, you’ll love it here.

The stoner house

What’s that smell? Nope, not the four sticks of incense burning simultaneously, the fragrance it’s supposed to be masking – ah, weed. Welcome back to a world you last lived in at university and had not missed.

The something-went-down-here house

The decor’s nice, it’s bright and there’s even a garden, but there’s a nagging sense of something very, very wrong. Did they have an argument just before you arrived? What happened to the previous occupant? Did someone get murdered here? Run.

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Woman realises her boyfriend is punching above his weight

A WOMAN has belatedly realised that she is way out of her boyfriend’s league. 

Nikki Hollis, aged 28, was repeatedly told by her girlfriends that she was too good for her current partner when they started dating, but has only just realised that they were perfectly serious.

Hollis said: “At first I thought they were joking, because he seemed like a real catch once you saw past his tribal tattoos and neck beard.

“But then I found out he’d been crashing at his mate’s place for the last eight months, and previously he’d been sleeping in his Nissan Skyline, and that he only showers at my place or the gym.

“I blame the epic honeymoon period shagathons for blinding me to the obvious fact that nobody’s perfect but almost anyone’s better than that waste of space.

“Now I’ve got to break it to him that he’s several levels below me on looks alone, that the whole relationship is a misunderstanding, and I need that £350 I’ve lent him back before I dump him this weekend.”

Boyfriend Tom Logan said: “Nikki’s a real catch for me. Unfortunately she’s worked that out.”