Minimum wage rise once again leaves rich with nothing

A PLANNED rise in the minimum wage will leave those earning £100,000 or more wondering why they even bother. 

The minimum wage for over-21s goes up by 50p an hour from April next year, boosting the income of the nation’s bottom-feeders while those who have made a success of their lives are once again ignored.

Corporate lawyer and homeowner Eleanor Shaw said: “Why limit the rise to the lowly? Why not avoid accusations of bias by announcing wage rises across the board?

“‘Everyone’s wage is going up by four per cent, by order of the King’ would be a lovely thing for the chancellor to say, and so inclusive. They’d get an extra 50p an hour, which is a fortune for them, and I’d get £4,800 which would be such a help with skiing holidays.

“Instead we have this terrible politics of envy where there’s always help for the struggling but nothing for those of us who put a brave face on things.”

City broker Joseph Turner agreed: “I have junior colleagues in tears because the minimum wage is edging close to being a quarter of their wage. What should I say? ‘Never mind, at least you can have pride in what you do’? Cold comfort.

“This calls for direct political action on the part of the privileged classes. We must stop leaving tips.”

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Gammon cries if you try to take his golly

A MIDDLE-AGED man has admitted he is reduced to tears when there are threats to take his beloved golliwog away. 

55-year-old Wayne Hayes of Colchester loves his golly from when he was a child, for sentimental reasons, and because he is a proud and free Englishman and anyway there is nothing racist about it.

He said: “He’s always been there for me. On my pillow, on my marmalade, reminding me of the innocence of my bigotry. Comforting me when there’s a mixed-race couple on an advert.

“But just because black people have found it horrendously offensive for decades, suddenly I can’t have my golly any more? That’s not fair, and conveniently makes me the victim.

“What people don’t understand is that if I suffer in any way – hearing a language I don’t understand, names I can’t pronounce, even the thought of a foreigner doing something wrong – I get really upset and only this child’s toy can comfort me.

“I can’t let the woke lefties take it away from me and there’s nothing weird about getting this worked up over a cuddly toy. Not when it represents the sum total of all the prejudices I hold most dear.”

Mother Irene Hayes, aged 84, said: “Our Wayne loves his golliwog. He wouldn’t want anyone to know but he gives it special kisses in the night. No, he’s never married.”